Sometimes you just have to turn it off, take a step down, a step back and say no. No to everyone and everything. Especially if you are a "yes man". I'm definitely a "yes man". I put a lot of stock in how other people see me, and very little stock in how I see myself. Unfortunately, not a healthy thing to do in the long run. You end up burnt out and undone. And that's where I was 3.5 months ago. So I shut it off. I really had no choice as my body was shutting down on me. I wish I never let it get so far, but with the miscarriage, job loss, etc. I didn't see the signs I was drowning before it was too late.
So, private went the blog. With it up I only felt guilt that I wasn't writing the posts to the quality I liked. I was pulled off work and slept a lot. Stopped doing anything. As I began to join the land of the living and began to take steps to heal health wise, things began to change.
It has been a time of reflection. How much of a "yes man" do I want to be? How much can I be? How did I start putting everyone before me to the point I could get this sick? Where is the balance in any part of my life? Am I at all happy with anything?
I'm not happy. I'm not where I want to be. And I cannot possibly be Superwoman. I want to do everything. Be the wife, the mother, the friend, the volunteer, the business woman, the full time bread maker (not necessarily winner, as I'll never make as much as the husband), among more roles. I feel to be valuable I NEED to be able to do it all and do it BETTER than the other women out there. This thinking is completely and utterly foolish and unsustainable.
My anxiety isn't completely in check yet, that's going to take a while. But the depression is clearing. This is the worst it's been in over a decade and I don't remember how I managed the first time around with less trust in my supports. So here I am. Back.
I am hoping to get back to the writing I started in the beginning. Which means I will actually have to take time, sit down and plan out my posts. (This one is sort of on the fly, even though I've been thinking about it for a week.) The goal is at least one a week. *fingers crossed*
Now let's get to this awesome summer!!! I think I'll start it off with a little 'old school' beat.