Saturday, January 24, 2015

If Only For A Season (pt. 1)

Friendships. Relationships of any sorts have always been the bane of my existence. My disorder dictated a lot of how I reacted to them, in them, and out of them. How I dealt with them in the beginning, in the middle, and at the end. It still dictates to a degree. I can’t give this disorder away (believe me I would try), I can’t wave a wand or wish it away (believe me I have tried), but I can do my best not to let it sweep me away in its chaotic perceptions. This has been tricky. I could whine about not being able to get the help I need to make it easier (I have an exhaustive whine list), or I could strike out on my own to find ways to make it easier. In my life I’ve learned that sometimes you got to get in and get dirty to get the results you need to move on. My life has been very messy.

I have mentioned before that I felt there was a great change coming. I didn’t know what it was or what it would entail, but I knew this change was going to have to do with a shift in self-perceptions, self-awareness, etc. A recent dream highlighted the feeling that I needed to really work on me. The part that I’ve come to focus on the most, as it seems to be “clicking” with what is going on around me at the moment is this portion of the dream.

I’m in a tattoo parlor and I am getting a tattoo on my “pooch” that said “Learn to Love Yourself” in gorgeous script. I touched around the tattoo and cradled my stretch marked belly like a pregnant woman cradling a child in her womb. And it felt like that, like I was cradling something precious and the image of a child in a womb flowed over me.

So what has this got to do with friendships? A lot. A lot of self help books talk about getting rid of the toxic things in your life from inanimate objects to people. Mostly people. Be around like-minded people, blah, blah, blah. There is credence to this, but they are mostly talking about putting positive in place of the negative. And a lot of people are just negative. However, if you are a negative person trying to change into the positive or less negative, you just threw yourself into the pond with nothing but rocks and mud. No friends to keep you company, as their positive selves want nothing to do with your negative forces. And this is where friends come into play. Friends who are willing to get into that pond in the thick of that negative radiating muddy water with you. Friends won’t try to change you to their positive charged ways, but will gladly sit with you and muck about in the rocky water with you. Yes, some people are just exhausting and you need to leave. Those friends are your “seasonal” friends. Not that they weren’t real. They had a lesson to learn from you, a lesson to teach you, or both. Unfortunately, just like lifetime friends, seasonal friendships can put you through the ringer if you are unable to see they were just meant to be for a season. I know even regular people have a hard time knowing the seasonal friends until some time after it has already ended, possibly even have a hard time when it ends. For me, when I decide I have a friend, not an acquaintance, I have decided they are for life. There is no season. To me it’s a waste of time and doesn’t make sense. Which makes ending that friendship hard. I also second-guess things due to the disorder and past events, that I don’t want to end things just in case I perceived the situation wrong. It doesn’t help when you ask the question straight out and the person on the other end, for whatever their own reasons are, they lie to themselves and you and say they’ll stay long past the time they want and/or should. This recently happened to me. In retrospect it should have ended many years before.

(If Only For A Season pt. 2)


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