Friday, January 2, 2015

2015 Forward.

Angry.

That is how I spent most, if not all of 2014. If you look back at most of my posts there was a huge angry undertone. I cringe when I go back and read things. I lost myself in this anger, and brought in the "kitchen sink". Understandably so. At the tail end of 2013 I had a miscarriage. The beginning of 2014 was spending time, stuffing the pain through exercise. I got myself a bigger position at work. I discovered too big, as I hurt myself at work and then my babysitter quit. Then my husband got laid off in June. Our summer was stressful. I have never seen anyone so dedicated to getting back up. I relied on God and kept up the positive words to my husband, "It'll all work out. God will provide." I never let him know how afraid I was that it wasn't true. But I needed to believe that God would pull us through too. I often chastised myself for the doubt. But 20-30 resume's a day and countless interviews. Offers for less than what we'd get on EI for the same position. The future left us, me especially, in a panic. Finances have always been my biggest stressor. Finally, at the beginning of September, just when any funds we had were almost nil, he got a job. Definitely not what he was making, but it's doable as long as I have a job to supplement. During this time I got a part time position. It's 18hrs shorter than what we need to cover all our bills, and it's only a term position. But, I can pick up shifts when needed, so it helps.

Then at the end of September I started getting sick. A bunch of tests were taken mid December, I get in to see the doctor this January. I have chronic back pain (beginning when I hurt myself at work in Feb), chronic headaches, severely stressed out all the time, some days food triggers times where I can't leave the bathroom, so finding work outside the home is hard when you're always sick. I feel useless, depressed, and therefore more angry.

2014 was also filled with other things, things that peaked through the anger. Briefly, but they were there. I have a strong desire for change. For everything. I have had this feeling that a large change is coming since September. I don't know what it is, or how it will happen. What I do know is that it needs to start within me. I have a huge obstacle though, myself and this disorder. Yes, in that order. I AM my biggest roadblock. I was also able to let go of the huge pain from the miscarriage and not feel guilty for not carrying it every single day. On the exact day I miscarried the year prior I was able to accept that just because I don't talk about Emmitt or think of him every second, that I've forgotten him. Letting go and letting God heal me never means forgetting, it just means healing and learning to live again.

So here's to 2015. This is going to be the year I'm going to delve into myself. I'll admit that I'm terrified. There is so much work that will have to be done, and on my own.

What have I started before January 1, 2015?

1) I started doing flylady.net Definitely fly baby steps here. I need to work around driving husband to and from work, kids to and from school, etc. Results so far = I can sort of see more clean spaces than clutter and chaos (which clearly represents my insides).

2) I wrote a list of things that I feel inside, what I want to change, what I can do to help the change. (I'm slow to change, so this is tuff. the action part).

3) Joined Moon Joggers with the hubby and we made up 'Team PIA'. Feel free to join us. It's about getting moving all year.

4)Being and staying honest with myself and those around me.

5)reading more

6)putting positive quotes up on FB when all I wanna do is crab about everything.

7) learn to like myself. (no clue how to do that or where to start. I've got 30+ years of self hate going on)

8) basic care taking of myself. I take care of everyone else, and rarely, if ever do anything for myself.




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