Thursday, October 23, 2014

Letters To Heaven: 1 year


Dear Emmitt,

It's been one year. My heart doesn't hurt any less my dear boy. Sometimes I fear it hurts more. I know many feel I should be "over this" by now. That it shouldn't hurt this bad because I didn't know you long. That somehow 50hrs of knowledge, the fact that I never held you, means I couldn't possibly love you with the fierce mamma bear passion I have for your brothers and sister. That only leads into the next thing; the guilt.

You were to be approximately 15weeks, 3days that day in the ER. At least 3 missed periods. A nagging feeling in my gut told me to test. I didn't. But you see Daddy had surgery two years prior. My blessing, logically you shouldn't have been. Yet, the feelings continued. I told myself I hit menopause, that I was just being broody. The heartburn and the cravings for chocolate covered raisings, ham subs and an insane amount of green grapes, were just my normal struggle with food. The inability to lose weight, even with the help of a trainer was because I ate too much junk.

Despite my instinct, with each month that passed, I still put off testing. I drank, I ate things with aspartame, and I ate deli meat. I cleaned the cat litter twice a day, and worked out hard. The list of all the things I never did before, I was doing then. It doesn't matter how many people tell me it wasn't my fault, or how many times, I still blame myself. It's why I can't stay mad at God. Why as hard as I want to blame the omnipotent higher being even today, nothing inside me feels even an ounce of that for Him. As for me? Me....

There are a millions reasons/excuses I didn't listen to my instincts. The bottomline is I failed you. Yes, parents fail their children all the time in one way or another. But my failure killed you. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for that.

In the last year I've tried to heal. To deal with your passing. I cried a lot. Focused on your siblings. Threw myself into working out, work and cleaning. I even started writing you a song. Did you know I haven't written in years? I thought my poetry and songs were crap, so I threw them all out over 10yrs ago. Yours was my first attempt since. I haven't been able to finish it though. I will one day. I promise I'll sing so loud you'll hear it in Heaven.

There's a boy here. You would've been three months apart. Just like your sister and one of his sisters. I think you would have been good friends. I got to hold him a little while ago. I'll be honest, my broken heart wished I was holding you.

I went through so much anger after losing you. The thoughts that raced through my mind were so irrational. There's another angel baby in Heaven, I hope you have the chance to know her. Her mom helped me so much. I could tell her each dark thought and she helped me feel normal.

I hope you get to know all the angel babies of the women who walked with me in my grief this year.

Dear angel of mine, many may not think I'm thakful for your siblings still with me, because my mourning for you is so strong. But, I am so thankful because I imagine all their best qualities, the compassion, jokes, smiles, stubbornness, would have been all rolled up into you.

My dearest Emmitt, I know I'll meet you one day. I'll get to hold you and see if you look as I imagine. But some days, Heaven seems so far away, and dealing with your loss literally knocks me to my knees. And I'm simply not ready to deal with all that pain.

Always in my heart,

Mommy



Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Early Morning Mind Wanderers

I'm taken

pushed

pulled

tossed

turned

sometimes trampled

I'm fighting

strategies

triggers

tool boxes

mindfullness

occassional self-talk

Floating on a river

often tired

easy to give in

give up

turn around

to drown

Yet I keep moving

strong-willed/stubborn

fighter/coward

survivor/casualty

depends on the time of day

Just know

 my story isn't done yet.




Monday, October 6, 2014

Early Morning Mind Wanderers

It creeps in

slithering, sliding

wrapping it's tendrils

my hair stands on end

my body chills

the presence is

strong and suffocating

it's a memory

that's nothing more than a silhouette

a black form that dominates

nights are filled with terror

my mind wants me to break free

to remember

to heal

I'm too afraid

I pull it in

push it down

I squeeze my eyes tight

I say my prayers

an anxiety filled sleep

leads to anxiety filled days

really bad times

standing over me

 calls me by my name

I answer, "yes?"

then reality slams me

I bolt upright

in a cold sweat

the cycle repeats

until it's down so far

I can breathe again.




Thursday, September 11, 2014

Summer why you leave me?

This is just a filler post. I'm still here, I swear! I have been a neglectful blogger these last few years. A lot has gone on and it's taken all my energy. The easiest was to fill the depression filled times and the overwhelmed times with pointless games on FB. I did do fun things with the family as well. I did plan on having those posted as we did them. FAIL! Lately my world has been built on a lot of good intentions. And now, summer left me. I don't think it truly ever showed up. Global warming, Global Weirding, Climate Change, whatever you want to call it has left me weather jaded and summer longing.

So while I'm adjusting to this sudden turn in cold weather, wondering why I still live in this frigid climate that I clearly dislike, and thankful we don't have snow already like another Province, I'm going to turn my time on to making a list of things I want to do and write about them! They will be positive and silly, and a couple serious. No particular order, I don't have time for that. lol

Here's how I feel about Summer leaving us so soon.





Sunday, June 1, 2014

Who's Responsible Winnipeg?

Hi! I'm a resident of Riverbend. Riverbend is a rapidly growing community on the North side of the city of Winnipeg. And I have a problem. A serious one that my ward councellor Devi Sharma, my city, nor the 7 Oaks School Division are willing to address. It's a safety issue that affects many of us in the area.

In Riverbend, Donan Street is a direct route from Murray Avenue to the elementary school on Red River Blvd. In all of the city's infrastructure brilliance there is only a sidewalk halfway up the very long street. From Murry Avenue to Park Manor Blvd, spring through fall, parents, children and other area residents dodge vehicles and large school buses, often jumping into ditches on the narrow stretch. On garbage day, with the new bins, the trip can resemble a large game of freeze tag. Impatient drivers too often try to drive around an "idling" car into oncoming traffic with a parent and child(ren) caught in the middle and nowhere to go. In the winter, the road conditions are downright deadly. Plowing, when it gets done, leave high snow piles that fill in ditches and scattered driveways are the only sanctuary. Winnipeg city also sands as little as possible, which means Donan is almost always a sheet of ice presenting an even bigger danger for your children who behave like deer in headlights when put in a scary situation. They run toward the oncoming vehicle, not away, as they don't have the experience or maturity to know better yet.

(Donan St and Ridgecrest Ave. Spring 2014)

In the last five years alone, traffic has increased substantially on Donan. Our schools are bursting at the seams and a new school is being built, the sidewalk is still not being addressed. They want the children to use Swinford Way, which comes with its own problems. Just look at the way the streets and stop signs are set up. This is no more safe, than the most logical route; down Donan Street. My children want desperately to walk to school on their own, a right of passage back in our day, but I can't let them because one misstep and they will be renaming the street E___ Memorial Way. How could I even think about my child dying and naming a street after him? How could I not? I would be foolish to think only someone else's child could die, not mine. Being a mother how could I not advocate for all children?

But that is how our city thinks. That's why they "grandfathered" Donan out when Riverbend expanded. Devi Sharma has done nothing either. She suggests more people should walk. Please Ms. Sharma, you walk the daily trip with your children and tell me how safe you feel? And walk it in winter. She also says adding in a sidewalk (even on one side), will up our taxes and she doesn't want to do that. Well guess what Ms. Sharma, our taxes are being raised yearly, and yet somehow are services continue to decline. Why are my taxes paying for infrastructure on Rapid Trasit on the opposite side of the city? A service I will never use based on location alone?

Now at the top of Main Street and Murray Avenue they are building a Dollarama, add the new school and a new apartment complex going up behind the Dollarama (all around the busy community club), and your traffic just tripled in the three block radius with no sidewalk. Somebody please tell me and other parents how a sidewalk is not a main priority? Explain to us why at meetings we are continually told that the city isn't repsonsible for the sidewalk, and neither is the school division. Shouldn't the safety of our children trump political bs? Somebody, tell me if these people aren't responsible who is, because I don't want to wait until another child dies before they put in a sidewalk and rename a street after a broken hearted parents child.


Sunday, March 30, 2014

Bionic Man: The Fantastical Journey Into A Life With New Sight

Wow! A lot has come and gone through our lives in the last bit. I'm not consistently working out as I hurt myself. (non workout related) I'm trying to get back at it. Food is still my nemisis. I cut down my position and trying to get into moving myself and goals into positive direction.

While I work hard, my husband has had an amazing sci-fi thing happen to him. Like I'm talking full on Jestsons movie here. Possibly Star Trek. Anyone remember Geordi La Forge?

My husband was first introduced to a Canadian company called eSight eyewear not that long ago. I'm thinking maybe January at the earliest, the beginning of February at the latest. Someone from Grants International knew my husband is legally blind. (He was born with optic nerve hypoplsia) They sent my husband a couple of youtube links about eSight. Then the ball started to roll and rather quickly.

We couldn't get out to Ottawa, so eSight set up a meeting with hubby out here. They ended up meeting with about 14 people all together between Manitoba and Saskatchewan. The meetup is to basically see if the eSight eyewear would be a good fit for you. It was amazing. My MIL, hubby's coworker and I all went with him for this meeting. If it wasn't for my MIL's insane self control and poise, I would have been bawling all over the place. My husband went from seeing 200/20 to better than 20/20 when the testing was all said and done. eSight says the average is 25/20. Still not bad anyway you look at it. Now eSight eyewear is just another tool, but I personally cannot explain how. As the glasses would be useless to me as I don't fit the range of eyesight that this eyewear is utilized for. (Good thing he has started a youtube channel to try to help people understand what it does for him.) He can now read a book to his children and when soccer season starts he'll actually be able to see them play, not just hear them. When he goes to a school concert he'll be able to watch in real time, no more waiting until we get home to watch it on video. I'm so excited for him.

We decided that night that we were going to get this eyewear for him no matter what. The cost is not cheap at about $10,000 a pair. But you can't really put a price on being able to see things you've never been able to see before, like the menu at a fast food restaurant.

If you want to know more about eSight eyewear you can click on the links, or better yet, check out my husbands youtube channel TwentyTwenty. Please subscribe and share. You never know who this technology may help. For my husband it has opened up a whole new quality of life he never thought he'd obtain.

Here is his latest video. He has three others before this one. Check them all out :D


Thursday, February 27, 2014

Sorry Son, Mommy Broke The TV

Don't ask how I did it. Let's just go with super powers. It sounds better than, "Mommy went to touch the menu/input button on the tv and shocked herself so bad that her finger is on fire, she has pain shooting up to her shoulder and the tv turned off, then on again before it started acting out a scene straight out of Poltergiest."

As much as that sucked, dealing with the following is gonna require a whole lot of the little green pills.





Saturday, February 1, 2014

Pound per Pound

February 1st

One month down since I took my comparison pictures of where I started. I just checked. I didn't share with you lovely people. So here they are:


That was the beginning of January, although I started on the plan a week or two before. This was Jan 1, and while I looked okay. I was suffering from Laryngitis, bronchitis and a third thing I cannot remember, on antibiotics, but I needed this for my NYR start. Merry Christmas to me. I was off for a week. I was scared that I wouldn't pull through. But I did. It didn't stop me.

Here are a few things that my FB friends got to experience as "selfies" totally help to keep me accountable. Poor people had to endure these daily for at least a good 2.5 weeks.



January 6th
Just ran out of excuses. Banished to the basement I am.



January 10
Really bad day, but I refuse to let it finish that way.



January 13
My scale may not like me but my middle is looking widdled! Hey looking for positives here lol




January 13
My after I busted my butt with weights dance party!




January 18
So excited. I'm gonna go run outside!



January 18
Pretty darn good, considering the new snow. Warm up. Cool down. Ran full time in between. Silly smile the whole way baby!



January 24
Success! 7 hanging knee raises in proper form in a row. Goal for first set is 15. When I started I couldn't even hang from that bar!



January 25
3 false starts. Couldn't get my head in the game. Last 5 min of cats and 5yr old trying to break my concentration. But I still pulled out a straight 30min run! Take that resistance!



January 30
"I just wanna feel this moment." Post workout dance party.



Now we are caught up to today. I don't post as much, mainly because my 5am wakeup has moved somewhere to dragging my tired carcass out of bed at 5:30am. I usually don't get down to the basement until 6am. I need to change that soon if I expect to do a different program from the one I'm currently doing that only needs 30-45minutes of my time. It's a work in progress. I do let myself sleep in on my rest days. Some days that is only 2hrs, but I'll take it. When I don't have to work and can run outside I let myself sleep in later as well. Sleep is my friend.

So what has this journey got me in the first month?

It's got me working out consistently. I hate mornings, but have proven to myself that I absolutely will not workout at 11pm at night when I get home from work. That I will drag myself out of bed at 5:30am so I don't have to workout later. My moods are much more stable. Still some up and downs, but not as extreme. Due to our really cold weather and needing to stay inside more, my depression is normally keeping me angry daily and in bed. While tired and I definitely have cabin fever, my depression is not even close to what it would be in these fine January weather conditions. It still does nothing for my anxiety, but I feel less anxious knowing I've got my workout in on time. My deal with food is that I'm learning to think of food as fuel as opposed to the enemy. I'm eating 200 more calories than before, and more calorie dense healthy foods so I don't have to eat so much. Spending a lot of time in the kitchen is a huge binge eating trigger for me. I am typically drinking a good 9 glasses of water per day now. That is up from a big fat 0-1 glass a day. Sad I know. I crave junk food less and my libido has gone through the roof. Before that too was a big fat zero, much to my husbands dismay.

And drumroll please



I have lost 3 of these "baby's"



(Google Images)


Which translates to

duh

duh

duh


There are measurements I don't have in there, bust and belly, so my total loss is actually 7.25" overall.

I also learned that when I started this journey two years ago I was starting at 206lbs and 39% body fat. I started January with 194.4lbs and had dropped to an amazing 29% body fat. At 190.6lbs and with my measurements I dropped to 26% body fat. I am stoked! It might not seem like a lot to some, however, it is. There are many things I couldn't do. I'm stronger, fitter, and lb per lb I'm getting to my goal.

Maybe next time I'll share my end goal. Until then, "Keep fit, and have fun." Okay, this is not Body Break. I'll think of my own motto, maybe lol.


*note - I noticed that I put in the wrong measurements, after finding my measurement sheet. Instead of 28% body fat, I actually dropped to 26%. Hence, the change in numbers for those that may reread this post.*



Thursday, January 16, 2014

Early Morning Mind Wanderers Jan.16,2014

It's not really early morning, more like late evening. But I'm not keeping score.


You're on my mind

you never really go away.

I don't have to think really hard

Unless I try not to feel the pain.

Many seconds, minutes, hours, days

I have to stifle the fire

For fear my heart will go up in flames.

Many hear me say, "the baby thing"

You're not a "thing"

I just can't handle the

beating, crushing, smashing, crumpling, tugging, burning, blazing, tangling, suffocating, head numbing, exploding, drumming, muscle weakening, moment stopping feeling in my chest.

So I do what comes naturally to me

I pretend it doesn't hurt as bad

I immerse myself in much too much and become overwhelmed.

All the while trying to keep in mind what your loss taught me

Life is short, temporary, and to make each moment count

You don't always need words to make your mark in this world

Being there for the ones you care for the most to you will make your mark for you.

That mark when nurtured will naturally spread outward.

There is strength in the darkness, you just need to run to the light.

Remembering you, feeling all this, reminds me to prioritize

I need to nurture what matters most to me and not what I think people want me to nurture.

And thus begins again, this never ending cycle.

The never ending of losing and never knowing you

The forever burning fire.


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