Last month was harder. It was damn near impossible not to lose my noodle. I think I might have partially done so. Events happened and I felt like I was reliving the whole dreadful day all over again. For the next week I went through the same wave of depression that hit after I lost Emmitt. From 2pm until I went to sleep I couldn't function. I did the bare minimum and that was all. Today was different.
Thankfully, there were no repeats of last month. However, my kids suddenly decided they needed to know what the date was. I'm not sure why knowing it was Monday wasn't good enough. Okay, I do, it's because they are excited for Christmas. I'm trying to be. All I got was the tree up though. The rest of my house is bare. A stark contrast to the other years and I was already asked tonight if we could decorate the rest of the house tomorrow, Christmas Eve. I don't see the point. I don't know if I can do more than my tree this year. You see their date question, reminded me that I lost my baby two months ago today, and that I would have been approximately 24 weeks along. It hurts all over again, I feel angry and want to hide under a blanket, but I can't. In moments like these I am super happy for this thoughtful gift from my parents.
To help me deal with my grief and help solidify the very real, but surreal moment, my most wonderful hubby agreed to me getting an ornament for Emmitt. All my kids have one for their year of birth. When I went to my mom's I saw the "perfect ornament" on her tree. My Parents bought another ornament, got Emmitt's name inked on, and gifted the ornament to me. It sounds strange, and some may say it's not based in reality, but it brings me a sense of peace in place of a great amount of chaos and pain. I feel like through this ornament I'm able to hold the baby I didn't get to. It calms me and centers me when something catches me unexpected and my world seems to rip out from under me, threatening to bury me in unrepairable heartache.
I feel empty when I remember what "could've been", but I feel full when I look at Emmitt's ornament next to his siblings and ours on the tree. It serves as a reminder he's in Heaven patiently waiting for all of us to join him one day. And that indeed, he was very real.
A very Merry Christmas to all. May your holiday season be a blessed one.