Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Take it! Take a Piece of My Heart, Baby.

Yesterday marked two months. I'll be honest, I forgot about it. I blocked it out. It's the easiest that way. I'm not saying I don't ever think about it. I just make sure it's "safe" to do so.

Last month was harder. It was damn near impossible not to lose my noodle. I think I might have partially done so. Events happened and I felt like I was reliving the whole dreadful day all over again. For the next week I went through the same wave of depression that hit after I lost Emmitt. From 2pm until I went to sleep I couldn't function. I did the bare minimum and that was all. Today was different.

Thankfully, there were no repeats of last month. However, my kids suddenly decided they needed to know what the date was. I'm not sure why knowing it was Monday wasn't good enough. Okay, I do, it's because they are excited for Christmas. I'm trying to be. All I got was the tree up though. The rest of my house is bare. A stark contrast to the other years and I was already asked tonight if we could decorate the rest of the house tomorrow, Christmas Eve. I don't see the point. I don't know if I can do more than my tree this year. You see their date question, reminded me that I lost my baby two months ago today, and that I would have been approximately 24 weeks along. It hurts all over again, I feel angry and want to hide under a blanket, but I can't. In moments like these I am super happy for this thoughtful gift from my parents.

To help me deal with my grief and help solidify the very real, but surreal moment, my most wonderful hubby agreed to me getting an ornament for Emmitt. All my kids have one for their year of birth. When I went to my mom's I saw the "perfect ornament" on her tree. My Parents bought another ornament, got Emmitt's name inked on, and gifted the ornament to me. It sounds strange, and some may say it's not based in reality, but it brings me a sense of peace in place of a great amount of chaos and pain. I feel like through this ornament I'm able to hold the baby I didn't get to. It calms me and centers me when something catches me unexpected and my world seems to rip out from under me, threatening to bury me in unrepairable heartache.

I feel empty when I remember what "could've been", but I feel full when I look at Emmitt's ornament next to his siblings and ours on the tree. It serves as a reminder he's in Heaven patiently waiting for all of us to join him one day. And that indeed, he was very real.

A very Merry Christmas to all. May your holiday season be a blessed one.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

My New Year's Resolution! Before New Years

We all make them. I think I've had at least a couple I've posted. So, here I am again. Except I'm not waiting until the new year.

I'll be honest, I don't remember what my New Year's resolutions of the past were. And I'm much too lazy busy to look. What I do know is that it was most likely about my weight and self improvement.

I'm continuing with that goal. In 2011 I found myself still at 206lbs by the end of the year. The heaviest I had been so far, besides the approximate 224lbs I was full term with L. I decided January 1, 2012 would be my year to slim down. The goal was to be 160lbs at least by my anniversary in September. Giving lots of room to back track. By summer I was down to 176lbs. I felt good that I seemed to be getting somewhere, but apprehensive because I always gained the weight back once I hit that point. It was here when the pain became the worst. We discovered it was a cyst, and I decided to let myself gain 5lbs. as it helped reduce the pain. I finally had the surgery the day after my birthday. Then I gained, and as of January of 2013 I was back up to 196lbs. I didn't gain everything back, but it was most of it. I was left depressed, but not yet ready physically to start my hard regimen of exercise, so I tried to get back on the eating portion of it. Only hubby wasn't doing it,and was eating the junk I was trying to stay away from, hard to stay motivated. I was trying to get more active after a few months, but the weight wasn't coming off. Then the rush of school and preschool ending, summer beginning and I was working so much. The depression of not losing was winning. In Sept I started going to see an awesome personal trainer. I got in three sessions. Then I discovered why I wasn't losing weight and had to cancel my trainer appointment. I haven't been back. I will, just going back is still a reminder of why I missed an appointment last minute in the first place. I haven't completely healed from everything just yet and I may never. So, I have been doing what I remember at home. It has helped my leg issue and I'm back to running again with no pain. Score!

And here we are. My New Year's Resolution begins today. I'm serious here. So serious, that I am considering trying to get up early in the am. And I mean 5am early to get my work out on. My dilemma: with my new position I will not be able to work out until 11 at night. Who wants to work out at 11 at night after a long day? The logical solution is to get up early like I mean to do. The hurdle is that I am absolutely, 100% not a morning person. Seriously. My family is not allowed to even talk to me for the first ten minutes to half hour after I wake up because the noise will give me a headache that will last the whole day. I have to talk first. I know when I'm awake enough that the disruption to my favourite past time won't inflict serious pain and leave me one growly bear for the day. I also cannot handle that beeping noise from alarms, if my alarm is not set to soft talking or preferably a good radio station (and still on the quieter side), I will have a raging headache for the entire day. Which makes me a miserable person to be around.

So you see, I'm totally serious about my weight loss here. I'm sacrificing my love of sleeping to get up at the butt crack of dawn all because I want to feel good about myself and how I feel. I want to look and feel sexy in a dress again.

I do need help to get this resolution going. One of the things is I'm going to be asking my friends to help me stay accountable. The other is taking lots of pics of my tired butt getting up at 5am and working out. Let's see if I can do this. In that time, I'm also going to post the cool home gym we just bought! I'm stoked. It is really hard to get to the gym with four children. Three of whom cannot stay home alone. Not to mention the cost that mounts when you pay for the membership, babysitting, and a personal trainer when you need a little extra guidance.

Now that you know mine, what's your resolution? What kind of journey do you hope for the new year?

Thursday, December 12, 2013

When Strength Is My Name

Strong. Lately, I haven't felt strong at all. Most of my life I haven't felt strong, just afraid. Now that I'm significantly overweight. Some say I'm not. Comments like, "you don't look overweight.", "you are not really (blank) lbs. Well, you carry it well.", and others of the sort are not very comforting. In fact, they irritate me. They don't make me feel better. I was thin all my life, then after I had my first I began emotional eating. I was never a good anorexic, but I can binge eat, and I was good at it. Then I was on antidepressants on and off for years and the last 4.5, the ones I was on had me feeling like I was starving 24/7. Every meal was my last meal. Not good when you want to lose weight. I am officially 50lbs heavier than I was before my son. 50lbs is little to some. To me it's an ocean to cross. I've been fighting this for years now. I was doing well and dropped 30lbs last year, and then we discovered I was in extreme stomach pain because of a cyst. It's been removed, but old habits take hold faster than new ones hang on. So here I am, only have managed to keep off 10 of that 30. Very sad and frustrating. I had so many bumps this year to keep that weight on. After the miscarriage, something changed. No longer on anti-depressants I need exercise and other healthy things to keep me out of my "funk". I'm tired of not living, and being depressed and miserable in life. Losing Emmitt change so much in my out look on my kids, husband and my life in general. Yes, I still fight depression every day. But I'm doing more that makes me happy. I'm learning my children's laughter and doing fun things, make me happy and I'm learning to be comfortable in it. And while motivation some days is none existent, I realize I am the only one who can be my motivation. My food sucks right now, but I have decided on building on my workout consistency first. So to help, I get silly and while, some may think it's me trying to motivate others to move, posts like this on my timeline really are to motivate myself and keep accountable to my goal to help me feel better both emotionally and about myself. But if someone finds inspiration in what I'm doing I won't shove it away either. We all look up to bits of someone's life when we need to move forward. Some women are happy with their "curves", and I'm happy for them. I, however, don't like myself at this weight and that is why I'm trying to lose it, not for anyone else. So here is a sample of what my FB friends get to enjoy. No matter how I feel when I start, I ALWAYS feel strong at the end. And this friends is what happens when Strength is my name:

This was a particularly bad day.

Dreadmill time. This is my I don't want to but will make myself run face. See ya when I come back from the fun. Much fun to be had. Really. :P

The day didn't own me. I just OWNED the day!!!!

This past week. Feeling some motivation.

Step 1. Treadmill.

37 min later. Step 2. Weights. I got this! Do you?

Step3. Take a other pic of your spent self before you stretch and collapse from all that hard work you put in to making yourself feel better and stronger. Now take this example and apply it to whatever makes you feel like you can take on the world! (I realize I should have a disclaimer here. Apply to whatever makes you feel like you can take on the world that is legal and healthy physically and/or mentally. I'm not suggesting committing crimes here, I will not be held responsible for that sort of monekey business :P )

Monday, December 9, 2013

Heartache/Christmas Wish

When does it get easier? A new fresh bucket of tears is taking over my days. Up until now I'd cry when I worked out. I could run, kick, punch, step, kettle bell, walking lunge, etc. my way through any ache my heart threw at me as my thoughts turned to Emmitt and my 16yr who left home to "greener pastures".

I was doing alright trying to remind myself that "things happen" and I left my parents home several times from the age of 17 on, because I didn't like their rules. So I try to tell myself, it's him finding his "adult legs". It still hurts. They never know how much you sacrifice for them so they can be happy. All they see is what you won't let them do to keep them safe and grow them up productive, successful people. I'm not a perfect parent. I make mistakes. Yet, somehow, they need us to be perfect in an overwhelmingly imperfect world.

Then this weekend was a family get together. I was so impressed that everyone came. (pretty sure it was everyone). It was good to get out, even though it felt like I was coming down with a cold. And then, she came up and said, "Hi". I totally forgot she was pregnant. I'll be honest, I'm mentally blocking out all pregnancy photo's, status updates, and newborn photos on my facebook newsfeed. It's the only way I'm not depressed every second of every day. I felt like I got hit by a ton of bricks. I direct hit to my gut. I pushed it back as far as I could. This day was not the "(insert name here) show", this was a happy day. Most of us don't see each other throughout the year. I would not cry, I would celebrate with everyone else. I sat upstairs, I visited, all was good. Then something happened. Maybe it was my weepy daughter, or just the joy of everyone. But I broke. I felt myself run to the washroom. At least I felt like I was running. I locked the door behind me and I cried. I couldn't stop. I couldn't stay in there forever, but I couldn't stop. I should be pregnant too. I should be sharing stories about the excitement coming. (Please don't think I'm not happy for this person. I'm over the moon for her. She's super kind, and totally kept things not all about her cutest bump ever. Seriously, she has a cute baby bump.) It isn't lost on me what a stark contrast it is to the guilt I felt when I discovered I was pregnant. We decided to not have anymore kids, took precausions yet here I was. And I could only think of how this baby should belong to one of the many people I knew who have been trying for years to have children and couldn't. How could I be happy when they weren't? And then in the next minute the baby was gone and I was mad at God and the world at the unfairness of that. Such a roller coaster of emotions I never knew existed. For days and possibly weeks I felt like this thought killed my baby. In weak moments I still do.

I made myself leave the bathroom, with my mostly dried up tears. I tried to keep my head down. Dinner was being served and I felt too sick to eat. My appetite was gone. I sat downstairs in the corner pretending to watch the kids as tears silently ran down my face. It took a bit for it to stop. I wouldn't stop until I relented to the ache that beat so hard against my body to be let out and I let my tears run its course. Once the ache passed the night resumed for me.

Today, I woke up sicker than a dog. But I had a 12hr shift ahead of me. I know some of it was because I was tired, some of it was because I was sick, but mostly it's because Christmas is just around the corner. I began my silent tears that wouldn't stop with an hour left of my shift. My 16yr old won't be around for Christmas for the first time in his entire life. It is heart breaking. I should have also been approximately 24 weeks pregnant at Christmas time.

The remaining ache is me wanting to pass up material gifts, get my son to come home and have my baby back. That is my deepest heart's Christmas Wish. But life doesn't work that way, so I'll keep waiting for the moments and days to get easier.

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