Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Unplugged

It's been a week, weeks, months?  It's been a doozy no matter how long.  So I unplugged.  That's right, I did the unthinkable.  For a day and a half I deactivated my Facebook account.  Out of the 350+ people on my list only a few noticed.  No, I didn't delete the account to see who would notice.  But, it was really interesting to see who bothered to see if things were okay.

Why did I unplug then?  Because Facebook has become a prison.  I kept looking to people who I really don't know who can say they are your friends, but truly we are just acquaintances, to walk with me through this hell of a black hole I'm in right now.  The black hole that even my real life friends don't want to go through with me.  Sure they offer the typical, "if you need to talk" rhetoric.  But when it comes down to it, they will change the subject, or they "don't like to talk about negative things because it brings them down".  So I'm not sure why I'd be as upset as I was when those acquaintances did exactly what my real life friends do.  So I cried for five hours.  Partly out of pity, partly over the loss of something dear to my heart and partly out of the realization that there is really only one person who I can talk to.  The strongest man ever.  He had to be, he married me. Guess I'll have to talk to myself when I got issues with him about his quirks, etc. :)

Being with myself isn't fun.  It does require looking at oneself.  Very deeply at oneself.  It is easier to deal with distraction.  I talked things out with my husband, and feel more comfortable with decisions I've had to make.  That I really made a long time ago, but didn't say out loud in fear of hurting anyone around me.  So I avoided and made excuses.  I think we can agree that it's easier to say what the person wants to hear as opposed to what needs to be said.  I'm not meaning walking away to avoid needless confrontation over some trivial thing.  I'm talking things that compromise my values, ideals, morals.  It was a hard decision to finally say this is me.  Unequivocally.  I will not be less than who I am anymore to satisfy someone else.  That doesn't mean I won't be kind or tactful.  It just means that I won't sacrifice the authentic me for anyone else anymore. (btw, this also means, now I need to find out who the heck this authentic me is as I've been playing roles for people all my life).

I did enjoy that day and a half off Facebook though.  So why did I go back on?  Because I have my businesses.  Unfortunately, if you leave, those pages disappear as well.  Not good when those business ventures actually make you feel good and accomplished.  Something of a rarity in my life.  Plus there are some good acquaintances that I like talking about the trivial stuff with because they are funny, or strongly opinionated.  Even if their opinions are drastically opposite of mine.  It gives me something to think about.  Sometimes I change my view, othertimes I tweak it.  Still others I think, this persons ideals are cray cray.  But I like it because I envy individuality.

So Facebook is back on.  However, I'm putting me on a Facebook diet.  If I'm going to be able to find the authentic me and learn how not to lose her again, I need to stop relying on strangers to walk with me through this current trial and get back to the basics of leaning on my husband and building an awesome real life life.

P.S.  When I do find a better way than Facebook for getting my business out there, believe you me, Facebook will be off more often than on.  I really felt fabulous while unplugged. When I wasn't freaking out about the business pages being unplugged as well.

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