Wednesday, October 30, 2013
One Part Ends, Another Begins
Today was hard. Every day this past week has been hard. My heart still hums with pain that won't be filled by anything other than the child I lost. My arms tingle when I think of him. A mild ache for the child I will never get to hold. In those moments I grab the closest of the littles and hold on for dear life. They always break the hold long before I'm ready.
I started a devotional on Bible dot com called Our Daily Bread: Finding Comfort in Times of Loss. I don't know how much it is helping. But it's not hurting.
I went for my hcg level testing yesterday and had the most horrible experience with the lab tech. I cried once I got to the van. I went home, cried some more once and hid in my room. Took hubby to get food for supper and then went to bed. Woke up with a nightmare. Some crazy guy took my baby and wouldn't give him back. No matter what I did, I didn't even come close to seeing my son or touching him. I woke up feeling like my heart was going to break. At least in the dream I had a chance, in reality I had nothing. My husband asked me if I was okay. I said I was angry and I wanted to punch someone. He offered up himself. I hugged him instead. He wasn't the one I wanted to punch. The lab tech on the other hand.
Today I made the dreaded phone call to the OB the hospital set me up with. I couldn't remember if I was supposed to make an appointment or what was supposed to happen. She was so kind and was not happy when she found out what happened the last hour I was at the hospital. I opted for the 4 pills over a D&C and was told they would be placed vaginally as well I'd be given some more, just in case it didn't work the first time. I was also supposed to get a script for T3's. They gave it to me orally. The shock in her voice, shocked me. She apologized repeatedly. I then told her about the lab work experience. She apologized for that, as well as had her assistant call the lab for the results. They got them and, as my levels had dropped significantly since last week, I was given some more kind words and told I didn't have to worry about anything else. The levels had dropped nicely, and my statement of how the bleeding is now is good. She also asked how long the heavy bleeding was for and replied that it was the right amount of time for how far along I was. I was relieved because for me it seemed to be too long, and I was worried. Especially after her response to me saying they gave me the pill orally. I cried some during the phone call and more after. But the relief that the medical part of this was finally over brought me some peace.
As I said in my last post, Until We Meet Again, we had plans on naming the baby. I don't know about my husband, I honestly didn't ask, but I needed it for closure. I needed it, to make everything more real. I know what happened, but without a name, how could he truely have been? This solidifies him. Makes him more real. Of course we don't know for sure he was a boy, I'm just going with my gut. Anyways, after some thought and time spent looking through baby names, we finally found one. My heart feels lighter and more whole. He is more than just a 6+ week old fetus whose heart forgot how to beat. He is a piece of my heart. His name adds to this fact. Makes it real. He existed. No matter how long. He was mine. Ours.
May you find great joy in the arms of our Father in Heaven our sweet prince: