Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Gaining Ground

I was a mess at the beginning of the school year this year.  Okay, I've been a mess these past 4.5yrs.  The past two, at least, were the worst.  The anti-depressant I was one for post partum depression stopped working.  Raising the dosage only made things worse.  So in August I took the plunge and did a most painful withdrawal.  (I was consulting my doctor on all fronts)  Holy beans I've got so much energy I don't know what to do.  Well, there is lots to do, I just don't want to do most of it.

What I love is this:

I can get the heck out of bed in the morning.  No I am still not a morning person, but I can open my eyes without my whole body aching from brain to the tips of my toes.

My body feels 30lbs lighter.  No, I haven't lost much weight yet, but I have finally stopped gaining.  I don't feel like I am carrying around a whole extra body on me.  My muscles are not screaming out that if I take one more step I will collapse and quite possibly die.

I'm not falling asleep 2 hours after I wake up, or falling asleep at the wheel.  Yes, I know, slightly dangerous.  While we do know that some of my fatigue is due to sleep apnea (discovered this spring), most of it apparently was from this beautiful drug I was taking.

I don't feel like every meal is the last meal.  I am not hungry all. the. time.  Seriously, I have no clue why they have anorexia as a warning for Effexor, because I couldn't keep food out of my mouth.  I would eat until I thought I was going to throw it all up.  Not because I wanted to, but because I felt ravenous all. the. time.  Now, I have a hard time eating.  But that's okay, it means I'm not eating a bunch of junk food, nor am I gaining stupid amounts of weight.

I am aware.  I was really in an endless cloud and had no idea until I got off the medication.

What I don't like:

I am more aware.  Sucks that I have to be accountable and can't blame my reactions on meds that don't work anymore.  The strong emotions and learning how to be with them is the harder part of all this.

Anyhoo,  when school started I was only free from anti-depressants for about 2.5 weeks.  I was also, becoming more involved in my children's lives.  Suddenly I was crabby because they were getting into trouble for things I'd usually let go as I was too tired to do much of anything.  I have become accountable to them and myself.

In October I can say I am finally gaining ground.

My daughter is testing me.  Currently she is yelling a lot at me and doesn't like me.  Mommy actually follows through and doesn't let her get away with things anymore.  But Mommy is also doing home reading with her every day and not passing the buck like she used to do.

My youngest son is testing too.  I think he just happened to hit the terrible two's really late and at the same time I was getting my own self back.

Between these two I'm exhausted by the end of the day.

I'm reading every night with my second eldest.  He's in grade two and started with a kindergarten/grade 1 reading level. Level C on this list.   I was upset and embarrassed as the plan was supposed to work on that this summer and have him at at least a Level H.  I, however, had put my job before my family and just about ended up in the hospital due to stress. (Panic attacks because you are way overworked and can't bare to go back to work is not good.)  Anyways, as of Tuesday, mine and my son's perseverance and reading every night has jumped him up to Level D!  He is now out of the Kindergarten and just in Grade 1.  He is doing better at level D than he did at Level C and while I find that odd, I'm also super excited and proud.  Our goal is Level F by Christmas.  If he hits Level G or H, that will be a bonus and we should be well on track for being on track at the end of the school year.  Anywhere at level L,M,N is what they like I was told.  Master E just really wants to read chapter books by himself, so he is motivated!

I'm also on top of things with the eldest.  He's like me, a procrastinator.  We are butting heads a lot too. He feels I'm being more grumpy now.  Maybe so.  But I'm also more present.

So overall, all is so much better on this front.  Since my last posts were so down and poopy, and I am trying to change my life and outlook, I thought sharing the good and having a visual reminder would be a good thing at this point.

So, here's to Gaining Ground!  I can't wait to report where everyone is at by Christmas!

1 comment:

  1. Great stuff, will be great to hear more. Keep up the get work.


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