Friday, October 11, 2013

Early Morning Mind Wanderers: It's Early Morning Somewhere October 10, 2013

I'm finding a host of emotions that are taking over that haven't been allowed to exist in many, many years.  Who I am and how I feel has long since been taboo.  If it's not how people say I'm supposed to feel or be or see, than it must be wrong.  With this thinking my entire life has been wrong.  No wonder I'm so miserable.  I fight really hard to hide it and constantly lie about how I feel.  I'm really good at pretending. (Although you will see cracks.  I seem a bit off key.  I'm getting too tired to play this game.) When I was in highschool, although I felt odd at first, I really did love drama class.  I could be everything but who I was.  The person that nobody wanted me to be. No one could hate me, or tell me I shouldn't feel this, or think that.  While in that class I was just that character.  No wonder I really wanted to be an actress.  It didn't happen due to real life and people continually telling me that no matter what I was doomed to fail.  I have yet to really succeed in anything in life.  Not in anything that I really wanted.  I was too busy listening to everyone else tell me what to think and feel.  What I was good or bad at.  I'm too blunt.  My expectations are too high.  My opinions are not with the masses.   Etc.  It got so I believed every. single. word.  I'm 35 and I still do.  Life really hasn't changed.  People haven't really changed.  I've spent a lot of time changing.  But I'm tired.  I'm so very tired.  Some changes have been for the better, but most of them have just been trying to find ways to make me exactly how everyone else around me wants me.  That's too many roles, and I can't remember which role is for who anymore.

You say you want me

But you're a liar.

You don't want me

You want your version of me.

A little tweak here

A lot of rounding there

I'll never be good enough

Not just as I am.

You want my opinion

But you're a liar.

You want the words to start as mine

But end up the carbon copy of yours.

A little blurb here

A lot of changing there.

You say you like me

But you're a liar.

You ignore me

Until I'm a little more like you.

A little snub here

A lot of spurning there.

Now I don't want me

Just like you don't

I second guess my choices

Just as you like it.

I hate me

Even more than you do.

Every day changes.  Every moment freezes in points.  I can find fleeting moments of happiness.  I know I'm blessed.  Just nothing I do is ever right.  When will being me (whoever I am) be enough?

1 comment:

  1. Spooky lady.
    Been there, been through that.
    Find yourself and be proud of whom you are.
    I found sometimes, people's words that expressed what I thought they wanted me to be were throwaway comments. I made changes to myself based on THROWAWAY comments!
    Now... I listen, accept their words, check if they are what I want and then throw them away and go on and do what I want.

    Good luck! You WILL be enough. xx


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