Saturday, October 12, 2013

A Farewell To Heart

You touched me and chained me

I couldn't and still have trouble seeing past

The person you needed me to be.

I recently told the truth, vented

and cried for five hours straight.

Made impulsive decisions, felt abandoned,

and pushed back into childhood positions.

I spent a day in solitude, focusing my mind on not

cutting, on finding reasons to live.

I couldn't.  I'm dying, when I want to want to live.

So I spent another day

I focused on what I can do that brings me those fleeting moments of happiness.

My children's random silly spoken words

My husbands smile

The act of creating, bringing my thoughts to fruitation.

Poetry, sewing, clearing out that clutter.

I went to bed, still saddened, still feeling abandoned

But no longer looking to death.

Another conversation, without you.

You need to be who you are, but I can no longer be who

you need me to be.  I need to be me.

You touched me and chained me

You held my heart because of who you are.

But you suffocate me and drown me

In the need to keep you happy, to keep things peaceful

I sacrifice my beliefs, my loves, my resolve

becoming less of who I am, I sacrifice me.

I become the life sucking wretch of every relationship,

positioning myself to be hated, because you only wanted a role.

So I played the role with you, I had a role for everyone,

behind those masks I could not be authentic me.

So I lashed out, becoming the negative for every positive

And now I am nothing.  Just alone.

You touched me and chained me

Holding me down because it was the only way you could feel okay.

But the pain is too great, I've fought too many years

I need to decide between who you need and who I need/want.

Before years on the battlefield leave me too weary and death claims me.

I need to say Farewell to Heart

I need to put the tears aside and cry for you no more

You chose your path

I need to finally move forward with mine.

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