Wednesday, October 30, 2013

One Part Ends, Another Begins

(Google Images)

Today was hard. Every day this past week has been hard. My heart still hums with pain that won't be filled by anything other than the child I lost. My arms tingle when I think of him. A mild ache for the child I will never get to hold. In those moments I grab the closest of the littles and hold on for dear life. They always break the hold long before I'm ready.

I started a devotional on Bible dot com called Our Daily Bread: Finding Comfort in Times of Loss. I don't know how much it is helping. But it's not hurting.

I went for my hcg level testing yesterday and had the most horrible experience with the lab tech. I cried once I got to the van. I went home, cried some more once and hid in my room. Took hubby to get food for supper and then went to bed. Woke up with a nightmare. Some crazy guy took my baby and wouldn't give him back. No matter what I did, I didn't even come close to seeing my son or touching him. I woke up feeling like my heart was going to break. At least in the dream I had a chance, in reality I had nothing. My husband asked me if I was okay. I said I was angry and I wanted to punch someone. He offered up himself. I hugged him instead. He wasn't the one I wanted to punch. The lab tech on the other hand.

Today I made the dreaded phone call to the OB the hospital set me up with. I couldn't remember if I was supposed to make an appointment or what was supposed to happen. She was so kind and was not happy when she found out what happened the last hour I was at the hospital. I opted for the 4 pills over a D&C and was told they would be placed vaginally as well I'd be given some more, just in case it didn't work the first time. I was also supposed to get a script for T3's. They gave it to me orally. The shock in her voice, shocked me. She apologized repeatedly. I then told her about the lab work experience. She apologized for that, as well as had her assistant call the lab for the results. They got them and, as my levels had dropped significantly since last week, I was given some more kind words and told I didn't have to worry about anything else. The levels had dropped nicely, and my statement of how the bleeding is now is good. She also asked how long the heavy bleeding was for and replied that it was the right amount of time for how far along I was. I was relieved because for me it seemed to be too long, and I was worried. Especially after her response to me saying they gave me the pill orally. I cried some during the phone call and more after. But the relief that the medical part of this was finally over brought me some peace.

As I said in my last post, Until We Meet Again, we had plans on naming the baby. I don't know about my husband, I honestly didn't ask, but I needed it for closure. I needed it, to make everything more real. I know what happened, but without a name, how could he truely have been? This solidifies him. Makes him more real. Of course we don't know for sure he was a boy, I'm just going with my gut. Anyways, after some thought and time spent looking through baby names, we finally found one. My heart feels lighter and more whole. He is more than just a 6+ week old fetus whose heart forgot how to beat. He is a piece of my heart. His name adds to this fact. Makes it real. He existed. No matter how long. He was mine. Ours.

May you find great joy in the arms of our Father in Heaven our sweet prince:

Emmitt Isaiah

Monday, October 28, 2013

Until We Meet Again

A total of 50hrs. From the positive test to the confirmational ultrasound. Somehow you were there. Our miracle baby. What else could we call you? What were the chances the operation done two years ago failed? Vasectomy's are not supposed to fail. And I only have one ovary. So a miracle is all it could be.

I cried, I was shocked. What were we going to do? We didn't want anymore. We would have to start all over again, our youngest is almost finally out of diapers. How we could afford another one? How the heck did this happen after two years?

Okay, we thought. No matter what we can do this. Really what is one more? Our age, well it's not like we're 60.

Tuesday morning came and I confirm with a doctor. That night the bleeding started, Wednesday I woke up and it didn't stop. In my heart, I knew something was wrong. I screamed and yelled at God. How could he give us something that wasn't supposed to be only to take it away? And then do it while my husband wasn't even in the Country. How cruel was that. One of the things I spat over and over was that I wasn't Job. I wasn't a pawn in some stupid game between God and the Devil. I was me, and this was an innocent baby.

I took the kids out of school and had my mother stay with them, then went to Emergency. I tried to make light of everything. Surely, the bleeding was nothing. There was no cramping, it just wouldn't stop. It was a crazy last few months, so I had no idea when my last mensus was. Only that I for sure hadn't had one in September and October and possibly August. I should have been about 15weeks. When they couldn't find a heartbeat, my head spun and it felt like my heart was smashed apart with a sledgehammer.

An hour or so later the blood work came back, my proteins were just too low for how long they estimated me to be. The only thing left was to confirm through an ultrasound. By then my cell was dead and I had no idea what time it was anymore. I slept on the gurney in between doctors and transports.

They did an internal ultrasound. The tech wouldn't tell me nothing. But the things she did, I could tell I really was miscarrying. As she wrote up her numbers she moved to the side just a bit. I could see some of the pics. He wasn't as big as he should have been. He just didn't look right. My heart sank to my stomach. My mind shut off, except for that silent scream to God. "Why?!"

Shortly after I was transported back and slept until the doctor came in. She said, "sorry". Explained that the proteins again were really low, the baby was only measuring 6+weeks and had no heartbeat. AFter that, nothing made sense. I couldn't go back. I conceeded. Yelling and pleading did nothing to save my baby. He was long gone even before we knew he was there. All I could do, with my anger spent and tears flowing in between the numbing reality, I told God that if I was going to be able to survive this, I needed to know that when it was my turn I would get to meet him and know him in Heaven. Really, that's all I have now. Besides the picture of the positive pregnancy test and the hospital bracelet.

The gynocologist came in and went through my options. Since my body wasn't doing it naturally, they had some pills or I could do a D&C. I needed to get home to my other kids and a D&C is digging and suctioning the baby out. The thought of that was worse than knowing I lost him. I opted for the pills. I was given a req form for Tuesday for HCG level testing and the name of an OB they set me up with. Another time later I was given the pills but no T3 scrip for the pain. I was in too much shock to ask. I mean when the gynie asked if I had questions for her, I asked when i could start working out again. Logic was not prevailing.

I left, somehow drove home in tears, got the kids and myself mcdonalds on the way. As soon as I got home the flood gates opened. I'm not sure how I thought this was better than a D&C. They don't tell you how much blood. Oh my Lord, there was so much blood. For four to five hours, the pain and other things knocked me to my knees. You're supposed to go back if you go through more than one pad in an hour. REally? Of course you are. I'm surprised one has any left in them after that.

Then the doctors offices calling the next two days. Both at the same times. Both at the time we heard no heartbeat on the doppler the day at the hospital. 1:30pm on and the sadness hits like a deep wave. It doesn't end until I wake the next morning. Only to start all over again at the same time the next day.

From another Country my husband was supportive and made two calls home, texting the rest of the time. He arrived home early this morning and held me until we fell asleep. The picture above I drew to commemorate our miracle child that was gone way too soon. Free flowing and no distinct features or shape to show he is going to be whatever he chooses to be. It will be known one day, just not right now.

I'm still numb. I still want to cry every second of every day. I still want to know "why?" I still want to crawl under blankets and never come out. It hurts to see so many have their babies. Not that I'm not happy, but that being happy for them somehow means I am dishonoring my recently passed baby. My heart and my arms ache madly for the baby I will never hold. A baby, that while wasn't planned for, was loved within minutes of knowing he existed. I'm still angry and confused that I didn't know I was pregnant. I blame myself for what happened. If I had known I would have done so many things differently. I just want him back.

The picture above will eventually also be a tattoo, and we have decided to give him a name. But for now, I just need to get through this day.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Gaining Ground

I was a mess at the beginning of the school year this year.  Okay, I've been a mess these past 4.5yrs.  The past two, at least, were the worst.  The anti-depressant I was one for post partum depression stopped working.  Raising the dosage only made things worse.  So in August I took the plunge and did a most painful withdrawal.  (I was consulting my doctor on all fronts)  Holy beans I've got so much energy I don't know what to do.  Well, there is lots to do, I just don't want to do most of it.

What I love is this:

I can get the heck out of bed in the morning.  No I am still not a morning person, but I can open my eyes without my whole body aching from brain to the tips of my toes.

My body feels 30lbs lighter.  No, I haven't lost much weight yet, but I have finally stopped gaining.  I don't feel like I am carrying around a whole extra body on me.  My muscles are not screaming out that if I take one more step I will collapse and quite possibly die.

I'm not falling asleep 2 hours after I wake up, or falling asleep at the wheel.  Yes, I know, slightly dangerous.  While we do know that some of my fatigue is due to sleep apnea (discovered this spring), most of it apparently was from this beautiful drug I was taking.

I don't feel like every meal is the last meal.  I am not hungry all. the. time.  Seriously, I have no clue why they have anorexia as a warning for Effexor, because I couldn't keep food out of my mouth.  I would eat until I thought I was going to throw it all up.  Not because I wanted to, but because I felt ravenous all. the. time.  Now, I have a hard time eating.  But that's okay, it means I'm not eating a bunch of junk food, nor am I gaining stupid amounts of weight.

I am aware.  I was really in an endless cloud and had no idea until I got off the medication.

What I don't like:

I am more aware.  Sucks that I have to be accountable and can't blame my reactions on meds that don't work anymore.  The strong emotions and learning how to be with them is the harder part of all this.

Anyhoo,  when school started I was only free from anti-depressants for about 2.5 weeks.  I was also, becoming more involved in my children's lives.  Suddenly I was crabby because they were getting into trouble for things I'd usually let go as I was too tired to do much of anything.  I have become accountable to them and myself.

In October I can say I am finally gaining ground.

My daughter is testing me.  Currently she is yelling a lot at me and doesn't like me.  Mommy actually follows through and doesn't let her get away with things anymore.  But Mommy is also doing home reading with her every day and not passing the buck like she used to do.

My youngest son is testing too.  I think he just happened to hit the terrible two's really late and at the same time I was getting my own self back.

Between these two I'm exhausted by the end of the day.

I'm reading every night with my second eldest.  He's in grade two and started with a kindergarten/grade 1 reading level. Level C on this list.   I was upset and embarrassed as the plan was supposed to work on that this summer and have him at at least a Level H.  I, however, had put my job before my family and just about ended up in the hospital due to stress. (Panic attacks because you are way overworked and can't bare to go back to work is not good.)  Anyways, as of Tuesday, mine and my son's perseverance and reading every night has jumped him up to Level D!  He is now out of the Kindergarten and just in Grade 1.  He is doing better at level D than he did at Level C and while I find that odd, I'm also super excited and proud.  Our goal is Level F by Christmas.  If he hits Level G or H, that will be a bonus and we should be well on track for being on track at the end of the school year.  Anywhere at level L,M,N is what they like I was told.  Master E just really wants to read chapter books by himself, so he is motivated!

I'm also on top of things with the eldest.  He's like me, a procrastinator.  We are butting heads a lot too. He feels I'm being more grumpy now.  Maybe so.  But I'm also more present.

So overall, all is so much better on this front.  Since my last posts were so down and poopy, and I am trying to change my life and outlook, I thought sharing the good and having a visual reminder would be a good thing at this point.

So, here's to Gaining Ground!  I can't wait to report where everyone is at by Christmas!

Tuesday, October 15, 2013


It's been a week, weeks, months?  It's been a doozy no matter how long.  So I unplugged.  That's right, I did the unthinkable.  For a day and a half I deactivated my Facebook account.  Out of the 350+ people on my list only a few noticed.  No, I didn't delete the account to see who would notice.  But, it was really interesting to see who bothered to see if things were okay.

Why did I unplug then?  Because Facebook has become a prison.  I kept looking to people who I really don't know who can say they are your friends, but truly we are just acquaintances, to walk with me through this hell of a black hole I'm in right now.  The black hole that even my real life friends don't want to go through with me.  Sure they offer the typical, "if you need to talk" rhetoric.  But when it comes down to it, they will change the subject, or they "don't like to talk about negative things because it brings them down".  So I'm not sure why I'd be as upset as I was when those acquaintances did exactly what my real life friends do.  So I cried for five hours.  Partly out of pity, partly over the loss of something dear to my heart and partly out of the realization that there is really only one person who I can talk to.  The strongest man ever.  He had to be, he married me. Guess I'll have to talk to myself when I got issues with him about his quirks, etc. :)

Being with myself isn't fun.  It does require looking at oneself.  Very deeply at oneself.  It is easier to deal with distraction.  I talked things out with my husband, and feel more comfortable with decisions I've had to make.  That I really made a long time ago, but didn't say out loud in fear of hurting anyone around me.  So I avoided and made excuses.  I think we can agree that it's easier to say what the person wants to hear as opposed to what needs to be said.  I'm not meaning walking away to avoid needless confrontation over some trivial thing.  I'm talking things that compromise my values, ideals, morals.  It was a hard decision to finally say this is me.  Unequivocally.  I will not be less than who I am anymore to satisfy someone else.  That doesn't mean I won't be kind or tactful.  It just means that I won't sacrifice the authentic me for anyone else anymore. (btw, this also means, now I need to find out who the heck this authentic me is as I've been playing roles for people all my life).

I did enjoy that day and a half off Facebook though.  So why did I go back on?  Because I have my businesses.  Unfortunately, if you leave, those pages disappear as well.  Not good when those business ventures actually make you feel good and accomplished.  Something of a rarity in my life.  Plus there are some good acquaintances that I like talking about the trivial stuff with because they are funny, or strongly opinionated.  Even if their opinions are drastically opposite of mine.  It gives me something to think about.  Sometimes I change my view, othertimes I tweak it.  Still others I think, this persons ideals are cray cray.  But I like it because I envy individuality.

So Facebook is back on.  However, I'm putting me on a Facebook diet.  If I'm going to be able to find the authentic me and learn how not to lose her again, I need to stop relying on strangers to walk with me through this current trial and get back to the basics of leaning on my husband and building an awesome real life life.

P.S.  When I do find a better way than Facebook for getting my business out there, believe you me, Facebook will be off more often than on.  I really felt fabulous while unplugged. When I wasn't freaking out about the business pages being unplugged as well.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

A Farewell To Heart

You touched me and chained me

I couldn't and still have trouble seeing past

The person you needed me to be.

I recently told the truth, vented

and cried for five hours straight.

Made impulsive decisions, felt abandoned,

and pushed back into childhood positions.

I spent a day in solitude, focusing my mind on not

cutting, on finding reasons to live.

I couldn't.  I'm dying, when I want to want to live.

So I spent another day

I focused on what I can do that brings me those fleeting moments of happiness.

My children's random silly spoken words

My husbands smile

The act of creating, bringing my thoughts to fruitation.

Poetry, sewing, clearing out that clutter.

I went to bed, still saddened, still feeling abandoned

But no longer looking to death.

Another conversation, without you.

You need to be who you are, but I can no longer be who

you need me to be.  I need to be me.

You touched me and chained me

You held my heart because of who you are.

But you suffocate me and drown me

In the need to keep you happy, to keep things peaceful

I sacrifice my beliefs, my loves, my resolve

becoming less of who I am, I sacrifice me.

I become the life sucking wretch of every relationship,

positioning myself to be hated, because you only wanted a role.

So I played the role with you, I had a role for everyone,

behind those masks I could not be authentic me.

So I lashed out, becoming the negative for every positive

And now I am nothing.  Just alone.

You touched me and chained me

Holding me down because it was the only way you could feel okay.

But the pain is too great, I've fought too many years

I need to decide between who you need and who I need/want.

Before years on the battlefield leave me too weary and death claims me.

I need to say Farewell to Heart

I need to put the tears aside and cry for you no more

You chose your path

I need to finally move forward with mine.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Early Morning Mind Wanderers: It's Early Morning Somewhere October 10, 2013

I'm finding a host of emotions that are taking over that haven't been allowed to exist in many, many years.  Who I am and how I feel has long since been taboo.  If it's not how people say I'm supposed to feel or be or see, than it must be wrong.  With this thinking my entire life has been wrong.  No wonder I'm so miserable.  I fight really hard to hide it and constantly lie about how I feel.  I'm really good at pretending. (Although you will see cracks.  I seem a bit off key.  I'm getting too tired to play this game.) When I was in highschool, although I felt odd at first, I really did love drama class.  I could be everything but who I was.  The person that nobody wanted me to be. No one could hate me, or tell me I shouldn't feel this, or think that.  While in that class I was just that character.  No wonder I really wanted to be an actress.  It didn't happen due to real life and people continually telling me that no matter what I was doomed to fail.  I have yet to really succeed in anything in life.  Not in anything that I really wanted.  I was too busy listening to everyone else tell me what to think and feel.  What I was good or bad at.  I'm too blunt.  My expectations are too high.  My opinions are not with the masses.   Etc.  It got so I believed every. single. word.  I'm 35 and I still do.  Life really hasn't changed.  People haven't really changed.  I've spent a lot of time changing.  But I'm tired.  I'm so very tired.  Some changes have been for the better, but most of them have just been trying to find ways to make me exactly how everyone else around me wants me.  That's too many roles, and I can't remember which role is for who anymore.

You say you want me

But you're a liar.

You don't want me

You want your version of me.

A little tweak here

A lot of rounding there

I'll never be good enough

Not just as I am.

You want my opinion

But you're a liar.

You want the words to start as mine

But end up the carbon copy of yours.

A little blurb here

A lot of changing there.

You say you like me

But you're a liar.

You ignore me

Until I'm a little more like you.

A little snub here

A lot of spurning there.

Now I don't want me

Just like you don't

I second guess my choices

Just as you like it.

I hate me

Even more than you do.

Every day changes.  Every moment freezes in points.  I can find fleeting moments of happiness.  I know I'm blessed.  Just nothing I do is ever right.  When will being me (whoever I am) be enough?

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Early Morning Mind Wanderers: It's Early Morning Somewhere


I'm told I'm not me.

I cannot possibly be you.

Than who can I be?


Lost in too many changes.

Moving furniture to find her.

A giant puzzle only rearranges.


or Helpless?

I'm told I'm to smart.

Given a wrong diagnosis?!

The one with the big brain is useless.


Out of cold waters for a raft.

Kicked and flattened.

He can take back his hearty laugh.

I remain

Lost and broken.

I just want to enjoy

What God has given me.

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