Monday, September 26, 2011

In Limbo. At A Crossroads. Whatever You Call It I Am There.

I'm having a really hard time with things as of late. My maternity leave is up in less than two months. I really am not ready to leave my last baby. Yet, at the same time, I cannot wait to do something besides be around my children all the time. I love them. I just have no me time. I also have nothing that makes me feel like I'm doing something worth while (for myself that is), which puts me in a pretty big funk. Up until last year I worked in fields out of necessity, not because it was something I wanted to do. Then I found my current position. I love my job. The satisfaction I get from it, the money doesn't hurt of course, the people I get to meet. The things I get to learn. I am always learning something new. I really enjoy that. I like things with structure, but for some reason at work I crave things without structure. Then last week I got the news that I need to try and find another position or the other option is being laid off due to a decision they made. I get it. I am not the only one who is thrown this wrench. I just didn't think I'd be sitting right back where I was just when my maternity leave for my daughter was up.

Limbo and I don't work well together. I naturally worry. A lot. So when Limbo and I have to work together, I typically turn into a nutcase. I'm trying to avoid Limbo. I am NOT embracing Limbo at all. There is no fun in this, just a looming clock and it's annoying "tick" "tock", "tick" "tock", over my head. I cannot afford daycare, plus I am the taxi for both hubby and kindergartener. Not that I mind. I actually enjoy this position, it's just that most day and evening jobs don't. I also don't want to work every single weekend. I don't think I should have to give up my weekends with my husband just to make money. Besides birthday parties typically don't work so well during the week. So I need something I can do from home on my time. Not as easy to find as you would think.

I have been given suggestions like home parties. I did Meleluca and Discovery Toys at one point in time. I guarantee you I really suck at sales. Ask me to promote one of my friends stuff and no problem. As me to sell something of my own. Not happening. I have a hard time when it comes to asking people for money. Not sure why. Maybe I need to go to therapy for that one.

Anyways, this is where I am and have been for a couple of weeks now. So what on earth do I do with myself now to make some moolah?

Friday, September 23, 2011

Who You Are Has Stolen My Heart: A Forget Me Not Friday Linkup

I am not a boaster. I don't like to boast. It feels fake and makes me feel like it does an injustice to the event, cause, situation, one is boasting about. To me boasting can be anything from winning the track meet and making sure everyone knows it was you. To being the next Oprah Winfrey and Angelina Jolie in making sure everyone knows what you personally did to "help" someone out. It just leaves a sour taste in my mouth how someone will put their name on something just to further their own careers or ego's. I want you to know my bloggy friends, that this post might seem like a bit of a boast as you read on. But it is not. It is about a child who needs you right now, how this child has stolen my own heart and how I am personally doing my small part to help.

Until I started reading and adding blogs to my own personal blog list I was just another voice on the internet with a blog about life, complaints, and sometimes funny moments. I was just another blip on the internet highway, adding to the noise. Then I started watching others. What they were saying and doing. Some were just like me, others were out there with their intents. Still others were amazing me with their giant sized hearts. I know there are life situations and you must pick and choose and you cannot possibly do it all. I myself grapple with this every single day. I myself say if you are going to do good, keep it close to you and private then it will have meaning. Not everyone needs to know how you jumped a large building in a single bound. (I still love you Superman) This time however, in order to help someone, I need to let everyone know my jump.

This is my bloggy friend at Flight Platform Living. She has her own obstacles to deal with on a daily basis and you read about it on her blog. Her heart though knows no bounds. She is on of my personal heroes. Someone I look up to and admire. She heard about a foundation called Reece's Rainbow which is set up to help maintain funds and find families for orphans with Down's Syndrome and other disabilites from around the world. You can see their mission statement here.

Here is the Giveaway post for Francine. She is the lovely child that has stolen my heart. She is born in the same month and year as my second born. From her picture she has a gorgeous life to live. Without our help, because she was born with Cebral Palsy, spastic diplegia, delay of psychospeech development she will end up in a mental institution where she will languish and die unless something is done and fast. Most times, these children are looked past as adoptable simply because the people who wish to adopt cannot afford the giant price tag attached. This is where you and I come in. With this giveaway you are giving your money to help bring this child to a family who is willing to give her a healthy home. I would love to adopt Miss Francine myself. I just know I couldn't possibly do it with the current family position I am in. I am busy with four healthy children I was blessed with. So I am doing what I can. Each month I allocate funds to use on whatever I want for myself that is a want, not a need. I'm doing this early, but I have decided to donate my normal $100 me funds to help Francine in her quest to find a family. Sure, the Giveaway prizes are fabulous and it would be so cool to win something. For me though, what did it? What finally made me put myself out there to help was seeing the money raised just soar in the last month. How many others were willing to push self aside and campaign for this precious being. How could I not? Children here in Canada are so blessed, they have places to keep them safe and warm and into places of help and care. I had to gift that to another child.

So please I implore you to take a look at the giveaway. See how you can help. Let's get Francine a family and a safe home before she is lost to the system. If you are not interested in the giveaway and would rather do something without the "fanfare" and just for you. Donate annonymously. Thank you for your read and making this: A Forget Me Not Friday.

Forget Me Not Fridays

Sunday, September 18, 2011

A-Z of Me Meme

I am a horrible blogger lately. I have no time. I play on FB games, but those require little thought and are during spurts of sit down nursing time or that half hour before bed. My days are so full this year. Phew.

Okay, so here it goes. I was tagged earlier this week by my bloggy friend. You can check out her post here. While you are at it, check out her other entries. I love reading her posts.

If you would like to give it a whirl, you can find a blank form here. Just copy and paste.

Anorak... I am obsessed with owning a library in my home. I want wall to wall, floor to ceiling books. Not only that, I want to say that i read each and every one of the books in my collection. it'll never happen as we don't have the room.

Body... My stomach. I'll gladly keep the stretch marks if my tummy would just lie flat when I'm standing up. I am really over looking six months pregnant. My baby is nine months old for goodness sake.

Celebrity... Christian Slater. I loved him in Heathers and Pump Up The Volume. I wanted to date him back in the day. Now I am happily married and don't think of him that way. However, he is one of the only actors I crushed on as a teen that I know if I wasn't married I'd still be attracted to.

Debut... I have always journaled. I love writing and starting doing a writing course last year. I figured that writing a blog would help give me the courage to send something in to get published. I still haven't sent anything in. I am however, meeting a ton of awesome people through blogging.

Error... My biggest regret created the best thing that could have happened to me when I was in my late teens/early twenties.

Funny... My kids. They are the craziest bunch of nutters eva!

Grand... Clothes or something else for my kids. Debt. Yeah, I really don't spend anything on me. I have a ton of reasons to do for others, but never for myself. I always feel guilty putting myself first.

Holiday... I don't travel except by vehicle. Never outside of Canada. I would love to go to England one day.

Irritate... My husband would say picking my nails. I snap them, rubbing one nail under the other when I am stressed out. I am stressed out a lot.

Joker.. I don't have any favourite jokes.

Kennel... Do my children count? Seriously. They are why I don't have pets. I spend all my time raising my children. I don't have the time to take proper care of an animal.

Love... I am married to the most wonderful man on the planet. My life was empty before him. God has blessed me so much with this union. I am forever grateful.

Meal... Starter? Just give me the meal. My favourite is macaroni casserole. I'm a cheese fanatic. It's elbow pasta, cheese and tomatoes layered. Lots of cheese! The crispies are the best! Desert? No room for that after my casserole fix.

Now... I would be on a deserted island with my husband. We need some us time desperately.

Off Duty... Sleep. With four children, that is my off time.

Proud Moments... I am most proud of being married. I wear my wedding rings like a badge of honor.

Queasy... When I hear of people doing horrible things to children. Parents who put their needs before their children. (i.e. think with their vagina instead of their heads. Yep, I went there.) My children are my life and I don't understand how some people think that these precious beings are anything other than the gifts they are. They are not accessories, they require more of you than you would have ever thought possible.

Relax... I used to relax by reading. Now I just don't have enough time in the day.

Song.. I don't have a favourite song of all time.

Time... My wedding day. The moment I walked down the aisle to our wedding song and saw my husband to be waiting for me at the other end of the room. That day I could live over for the rest of my life.

Unknown... I am slightly OCD about making sure the doors, including the garage door, are locked at night. I check exactly three times before I am satisfied. I make sure the mud room and the basement doors are locked too. Just in case some nut job breaks into our house they will have a few things to make getting in tough for them. I have been known to shove my laundry in front of the door too.

Vocal... I don't have a favourite. I like Celine Dion. Adele has a gorgeous voice. There are a few others I can't think of right now.

Work.. My dream job is being a singer, actress, an author, a mom, and a job that enabled me to give back to the community. I'm working on a book, I am a mom and I love my job as a support worker. I think I'm doing pretty good.

X-ray... I almost broke my ankle once. Other than that only sprains.

Yikes... My most embarrasing moment was back in high school. I had a major crush on this guy. EVERYBODY knew about it. (I look back now and it was kind of stalkish on my part. But I also liked things I couldn't get back then. I am sure if he like me back I would have lost interest pretty fast.) Anyways, we were both in Drama together. We were in a play and were cast as boyfriend and girlfriend. I loved drama in those days. During our live performance, baby powder was falling down from the scene prior and with the dark mood of the stage, I got lost in how gorgeous and surreal it all was. My deep like for this guy and how romantic the moment seemed to me got me. I totally forgot the majority of my lines. I had never forgot my lines up to this point. The look on his face for having to cover me. The fact that I let him down. I was devastated. I broke down and cried after our scene and beat myself up for weeks over it. No body understood why I was so upset. I always said it was because my parents weren't there. But no. It was because I let the one person down that I would have hung the moon for in those days.

Zoo.. A cat. Except for the whole licking yourself. Ewww. They are strong, fearless and independant.

Now I am tagging the following...


Monday, September 12, 2011

Towards The Empty Nest

There are so many firsts to look at. The first breath. The first cry. The first cold. The first smile. The first laugh. The first step. The first day of Kindergarten. The first day of High School.

When I first dreamed of having a child, it was all about the baby stage. The way his hand curled around mine and he looked at me as if he had the whole universe in his hand. The first two days in the hospital were the best two days with just me and my boy. By number four I just wanted to be home with all my children, forget this hospital business. With each baby though, my mind never processed them needing to go to school. When I first looked at them, I never saw past the first year. After the first year, I never saw past the second year. Then, in the blink of an eye they were ready for Kindergarten. Sure my second went to preschool three times a week last year. Sure I knew that Kindergarten was just a few months away. It just didn't seem real. It still all felt like a dream. I was still my child's universe in the palm of his hand. My second, E, is now officially an Elementary School scholar.

Then there is my first, C, he just entered the crossroads to "freedom". In just four short years, he will go from my baby who needs me for everything, to a man striking out on his own. While I am looking forward to him moving on to possibly college, his own pad, I am wanting to hold on to these next four years.

These are two huge milestones. Kindergarten and High School. I never thought that I would experience them at the same time. At one time I never could have hoped to have such a big, beautiful family. Now, while I am excited for my children to grow and learn and succeed. (I do feel giddy knowing there will only be two at home to continue to drive me batty, and eventually none. Go me time!) I do see the implications of this. It's just like being born and each day draws us closer to death. Having a child is like being born again. Being born into something bigger than you can ever imagine. Sacrificing so much of yourself for something so small and helpless. Putting more effort into something, than one your favorite subjects or hobbies, and watching it bear fruits you could only have dreamt of. Each day brings you closer to death. Not a physical death, but the death to all that you once knew. Eventually there is not much of yourself that you need to sacrifice for these now young men and women. The effort once put in, is now effortless and most likely no longer needed. You now have so much "me" time you have no idea what to do with yourself. The person who once raised these amazing creatures is no longer needed and you are lost. The death is here. Each day brings me closer towards the empty nest. I'm excited, sad and lost.

For now, I'm too busy to be to upset over it. Only when I think about these two milestones half of my brood has reached do my eyes mist, and my future self feels uncertain.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Silent Sunday

E made this computer. He was so proud of himself. We couldn't move it for days. Enjoy!

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Just Call Me "The Sucky Slayer"!

I'd never thought I'd say it, but suckies, pacifiers, dumb dumbs, nuks, suthers, or whatever you decide to call them are EVIL!

I am the first to say "hey, stick a sucky in their mouth." I made sure that a sucky was packed in my hospital bag with each of my four pregnancies. I advocate their use. In fact, recent studies show that they may help reduce the incidents of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). I would pop a pacifier in my child's mouth the moment he/she made a peep. They served well at night when they got restless but weren't really hungry. It was perfect when training them to sleep as it helped them soothe themselves. I think this is where the problem came in. At least for my daughter.

My older two didn't seem to have an issue with giving up their suthers. With C we took away the nap suther and then after two weeks to a month the bedtime suther. I think that was around 18 months. With E I lost it in the house. He had no choice but to fall asleep without it. I found it two days later, but he was finally sleeping without it, so I threw it out. He was about 3 I believe. Possibly 2.5 years old. A is now two months away from turning three years old. She only wants the sucky when she sees it or someone mentions it. And bedtimes of course. In my opinion though, three years old is just too old to still be sleeping with a dummy. Last night after a week of continually looking for her last known sucky (she had at least 10. They have all vanished into the unknown.), I decided I was done with it. I told her in the morning that we were giving it to a baby who needed it. She agreed. That night she wanted her sucky. She was up until midnight. Around 10pm, after her repeated calls for me to find the sucky, I gave in and told her I threw it away because she was too big for a sucky. She wasn't happy, but finally fell asleep. A bit harsh I know, but she appears to be like me. No games, just give it to me straight up.

Tonight is night two of no sucky. A still asked for it. Again I said, "The sucky is gone, I threw it in the garbage remember?" She lasted until 9:30 to 10pm before she fell asleep. She did much, much better. Yay! Officially no more sucky searching for me ever again! (L is my only baby who didn't use a sucky) Now to get rid of the diapers and get A to use the potty.

(Side Note: I still advocate use of the pacifier. Just extremely happy I don't have to search for them any longer.)
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