Yes. I did a lot of thinking last night. My children consume me. They have a way of sucking all mental and physical energy out of you. While I wouldn't change my life for the world. Some part of my day needs a little less suckage. Just think the scene in "Vampires Suck", where Edward sucks the venom out of Becca using a straw and her whole body deflates. Yeah, that is me at the end of the day. Surprised I can still walk or talk for that matter. (This is probably why I call everyone in this house by the wrong name.) In my thinking I realized that I totally feel used and abused. My family asked everything of me and I'm always giving. Sure, I get back in hugs and eye rolls. Hubby gives back in making dinner and helping with some chores. I just don't feel like I get back in the way that I really want. So I really needed to sit down and figure out what I wanted. What on earth was going to make me feel less overwhelmed. Less resentful. Less distant, disconnected and unloved. Well, giving to every body would be so much easier if I got back. I love food, and I hate housework. The reality is though hubby doing these things for me doesn't make me feel better or more energized at all. I wanted to feel taken care of like I take care of every one else. (Angels sang here)
Tonight, I put the toddlers to bed on time. I put the laptop down. Then hubby, my eldest and I sat down to watch Iron Man 2 on Netflix. I did not touch the computer or do anything besides nurse and rock the baby the whole time. (This is a feat. The laptop and I are attached at the hip. It's my survival line outside kiddie chatter.) By the movies end, all children but the eldest were finally asleep. It was only 10pm. Yay! By 10:30pm all were in their rooms asleep. Hubby and I were going to get some time together. I couldn't believe it. We enjoyed the rest of our evening talking about things. I told him that I needed him to take care of me like I take care of him and the kids. While him cooking dinner is nice, as he's a way better cook than I, I really felt that him just taking care of me. I also mentioned that this was what I needed. Us, just chilling together. No one else interrupting, or calling "Mommy". He could cook me a million dinners, wash a thousand washrooms, or do a hundred loads of laundry and nothing could make me feel as awesome and whole as I did right in that moment with him.
I know it'll be at least another six months before we can get a decent "date night" together away, truly just the two of us. Yet, if we could manage to get a couple of good evenings with just the two of us. I really could see us getting closer and both feeling less overwhelmed and more full of the love we do have for each other.
(Good thing I figured this out and he agreed. I was becoming and icecream - aholic. Can't drink Vodka while nursing, it is my only prefered alternative.)