Marks the spot. What spot? Crap I don't even know where here is. What I know is my past. Or what I can remember of it. I don't generally like to do the playback thing anymore. Got tired of blaming my parents for all my bullshit of today a long time ago. Currently I blame, well no one. Nah, that's a lie. I blame my kids for my current memory loss and my husband for pretty much everything else. Hey why not, I clean up crap for a living. I'm a cook, a waitress, a nurse, a referee. Oh no sorry, that last one is wrong. I hung up that shirt yesterday and told them just to scream for me if there was blood.
Okay, back to where I am. I am in a room with four walls. I occasionally get out to pull a child out from the quicksand I call a garden. My super power is producing milk, while praying my boobs don't hang to my knees by the time this fourth child is drinking regular milk like everyone else around here. Nursing and I have a love/hate relationship. I like nursing but wish I could pull off these things and pass them on to hubby for a while. This way I can have my body to myself without children hanging off of me in one form or another. I love my children, however, I used my body to house these beautiful creatures for nine months I am pretty sure I'm due for some time by myself. With my own body. Without someone wanting something from it.
Nevertheless I am always here. Inside myself, shutting the rest of the world out. Hiding behind my children, my husband, my job. It's easy to live here. Away from myself. How am I away from myself if I'm always with myself? Because I'm not really with myself. I have four children buzzing around me all day long. I have laundry that is mountainous. So many toys that I am beginning to think they multiply all on their own. I am so busy cleaning and entertaining my children there is not much time for anything else. I cannot help thinking though as my eldest continues to grow, age and
People will think I'm nuts for thinking about this and wonder Why I don't enjoy my chaos filled time now? The thing is I do enjoy my chaos filled life I just don't want to be sitting here in 20 years thinking my life is over. I want a plan. I want an identity. I want to be more than just a wife and a mother. Not at the expense of my family of course. I AM blessed. I just don't want to be this snarky old woman with the million cat statues, wondering how I let myself become so consumed being a mother and a wife that I lost myself.