Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I am Here.


Marks the spot. What spot? Crap I don't even know where here is. What I know is my past. Or what I can remember of it. I don't generally like to do the playback thing anymore. Got tired of blaming my parents for all my bullshit of today a long time ago. Currently I blame, well no one. Nah, that's a lie. I blame my kids for my current memory loss and my husband for pretty much everything else. Hey why not, I clean up crap for a living. I'm a cook, a waitress, a nurse, a referee. Oh no sorry, that last one is wrong. I hung up that shirt yesterday and told them just to scream for me if there was blood.

Okay, back to where I am. I am in a room with four walls. I occasionally get out to pull a child out from the quicksand I call a garden. My super power is producing milk, while praying my boobs don't hang to my knees by the time this fourth child is drinking regular milk like everyone else around here. Nursing and I have a love/hate relationship. I like nursing but wish I could pull off these things and pass them on to hubby for a while. This way I can have my body to myself without children hanging off of me in one form or another. I love my children, however, I used my body to house these beautiful creatures for nine months I am pretty sure I'm due for some time by myself. With my own body. Without someone wanting something from it.

Nevertheless I am always here. Inside myself, shutting the rest of the world out. Hiding behind my children, my husband, my job. It's easy to live here. Away from myself. How am I away from myself if I'm always with myself? Because I'm not really with myself. I have four children buzzing around me all day long. I have laundry that is mountainous. So many toys that I am beginning to think they multiply all on their own. I am so busy cleaning and entertaining my children there is not much time for anything else. I cannot help thinking though as my eldest continues to grow, age and mature enter high school in the fall, that my days of being consumed by children are quickly ending. I am filled with fear that I will no longer have a purpose once the last child leaves. Sure I'll still be a wife and I'll hopefully still have a job, but then what? Yes, I will always be a mother. However, there will be no poopy bums to clean, unless God forbid I have to clean my husbands butt. No snotty noses to clean. No children to pull out of swampy garden. No children to drag screaming into the house for nap time. No sweet smiles and childish belly laughs. I'll have all that once filled up time for just me.

People will think I'm nuts for thinking about this and wonder Why I don't enjoy my chaos filled time now? The thing is I do enjoy my chaos filled life I just don't want to be sitting here in 20 years thinking my life is over. I want a plan. I want an identity. I want to be more than just a wife and a mother. Not at the expense of my family of course. I AM blessed. I just don't want to be this snarky old woman with the million cat statues, wondering how I let myself become so consumed being a mother and a wife that I lost myself.

8 comments:

  1. I think having an identity outside of wife and mother is healthy. You should have something you can call your own, because one day all those babies will be grown up :o)

    Thanks for the tip on yeast. I did take him to the ped and she thinks it's ammonia burn as well. Because it's already mostly cleared up she suggested continuing my current treatment and return if it gets bad again.

    I tried to reply by e-mail, but you are a "no reply" commenter!

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  2. I tried to reply and it didn't work. You have to have your e-mail available on your blogger profile I believe.

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  3. I just got a book 'I could do anything if only I knew what it was' by Barbara Sher.
    If it helps me find an identy beyond that defined by others (mommy, wife, etc) I'll let you know, lol!

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  4. I'm a married. retired father of four long adult kids and grandfather of ten. If your wife is anything like mine you will have an identity and life after kids, trust me.

    The very fact that you are writing in a blog kind of shows it, your interests go beyond the room you are in right now.

    I got here by clicking on your comment at Jenny, The Bloggess. It's kind of fun on a slow day, go to a blog with lots of comments and just click around.

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  5. and in this post lies the dilema of mummys across the globe! it is cool to have an identity of your own but where to find the time and the energy thats what i would like to know! stranger in a strange land let me know as well if the book works! i agree with the comment above mine, your blogging shows you are still there even if you are drowning in laundry! xxx

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