Wednesday, March 23, 2011

My Response to Your Passing

Well today has been one hell of a fog of a day.
The death of a loved one always hits hard. This one seems to be kicking me harder than "normal". I'm not sure if it's because it was due to the fact that my cousin now has lost two parents in the span of two years or it's because they both passed due to cancer. All I know is that I want to crawl under the blankets and never come back out. In this blanket cave (within which I dwelt for a few hours today), I thought a lot about people and death.

Age.
Old age. Between the ages of 8-16, I might even go as far as 25, sixty was ancient. Turning thirty was your death sentence. I was terrified of turning 30. I am now 32 and actually forget I'm that old until I am asked my age. Now at thirty -two, even 70 feels too young. When the hell did that happen?
My Dad is sixty! He doesn't look sixty. He still looks to me like he did ten years ago. My Grams is somewhere near 80. She does not look like I always envisioned eighty to be. Decrepit, nursing home, and no teeth. She still has her own home and does very well for herself. She is definitely related to my Great Grams, she lived to 100. Can you believe I even think 100 is too young? She was still a pretty mobile old lady and had all her wits about her. Her downfall, literally a fall that broke her hip. After that it was all downhill.

Cancer.
This "thing" has taken more lives and affected more lives in my family than I'd like to think about. It's disgusting. Maybe it's because I'm older and more aware of what is going around me, but I don't remember cancer being everywhere like it is today. Are we all more aware? Are there more cases? What happened to dying of old age? My husband asked if it was that we didn't know the cause and just said it was old age. He was trying to comfort, I told him I just wanted to believe more people died of old age than cancer or something else.

My Parents.

I spent my whole life fighting against them. Wanting to get as far away from them as I possibly could. Yet, I now call my Mom every day. Sometimes in the double digits. If my kids are screaming we facebook chat and text. My Dad and I don't always see eye to eye, but he's always there for me cheering me on. He's the extra help with my thirteen year old when I don't know what else to do. They both are my aids when I cannot possibly do it myself and my shoulders to cry on when my personal world falls in on me. It took us many years to get here.

With these deaths and thinking of age and my cousins loss. I cannot help but be afraid. What will I do when my parents pass? Who will I call when things fall apart? Who do I laugh with when my kids do some pretty silly things? Who do I tattle to when my sister makes me upset? Who do I go to advice when I want to fix whatever dumb thing I did or said to my sister when she made me upset? My husband, my sister, my cousins, and friends are great, but they are not my parents. My parents have known my flaws longer. They've fought my battles with, for and against me longer. Theirs are the voices of calming reason and compassion I know will be on the other line when I call. My cousin no longer has that. Maybe that is what is so hard. Knowing I have something she doesn't anymore. Knowing that my time is coming soon. Knowing that there is never enough time with anyone. Whether it's one day or one hundred years.

Today was time to cry, tomorrow is time to heal and move forward. Falling completely apart is not an option. I won't let it be.

9 comments:

  1. I too have had those same thoughts and fears. My parents are the same way, always there, supporting and encouraging. I am terrified that one day that will change, for now, I am trying to appreciate each and every moment. I also remember thinking that 30 was ANCIENT, I turned 30 this year :) It happens quickly! Praying for your cousin.

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  2. I am always thinking about what my life would be like if I lost either parent. My mother is terribly sick and I live in constant fear.
    I wonder how people get through all of these types of things, they somehow do.
    Stay strong.
    *Big Fat Hug*

    Ruby

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  3. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my Dad a few years back and it's something I've still never adjusted to. I just take a lot of solace in the fact that when he was here, I always said everything I always wanted and needed to say to him. It really made it easier for me to let go but again, I'm a faithful gal and I look to my faith to carry me through. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts!!!

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  4. I love you too. You made me cry.

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  5. Great post. This one really touched me deeply. I am sorry we dont always see eye to eye, but we are both pretty strong willed, you more so then me :) No matter how far you have travelled or how far you strayed, I have always loved you and prayed for you. I have never ever given up on you nor will I ever.
    Hugs and kisses

    Dad

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  6. TY so much everyone for your kind words. I'm doing better, now to pray for strength for my cousin and her sisters and my grams (it was her sister) Peace and Blessings to you all.

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  7. oh what a terrible loss, 2 parents so close to the big C! I lost my dear wonderful dad 4 years ago yesterday! he dies on my tilly's first birthday! he too had cancer. i miss him every day he was our family glue. you find new ways, new rlationships form, old relationships reshape...it affects everything.

    as for the age thing...i am 42!! with a child that i know will need 24/7 care forever thoughts of death freak the hell out of me. she will need me forever and thats a big freak out thought there. i wish i was a younger mum but im not so i have plans to be like me husbands aunts...they all lived till they were 109! yep even that seems a bit young at 42!

    love and hugs, hope the blanket cave has gone and you are emracing every day again. jane x

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  8. My sincere condolences to you and your family. I send my love...

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  9. Thought provoking as ever! I miss my mom and dad so much since moving to America...

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