Well today has been one hell of a fog of a day.
My Dad is sixty! He doesn't look sixty. He still looks to me like he did ten years ago. My Grams is somewhere near 80. She does not look like I always envisioned eighty to be. Decrepit, nursing home, and no teeth. She still has her own home and does very well for herself. She is definitely related to my Great Grams, she lived to 100. Can you believe I even think 100 is too young? She was still a pretty mobile old lady and had all her wits about her. Her downfall, literally a fall that broke her hip. After that it was all downhill.
I spent my whole life fighting against them. Wanting to get as far away from them as I possibly could. Yet, I now call my Mom every day. Sometimes in the double digits. If my kids are screaming we facebook chat and text. My Dad and I don't always see eye to eye, but he's always there for me cheering me on. He's the extra help with my thirteen year old when I don't know what else to do. They both are my aids when I cannot possibly do it myself and my shoulders to cry on when my personal world falls in on me. It took us many years to get here.
With these deaths and thinking of age and my cousins loss. I cannot help but be afraid. What will I do when my parents pass? Who will I call when things fall apart? Who do I laugh with when my kids do some pretty silly things? Who do I tattle to when my sister makes me upset? Who do I go to advice when I want to fix whatever dumb thing I did or said to my sister when she made me upset? My husband, my sister, my cousins, and friends are great, but they are not my parents. My parents have known my flaws longer. They've fought my battles with, for and against me longer. Theirs are the voices of calming reason and compassion I know will be on the other line when I call. My cousin no longer has that. Maybe that is what is so hard. Knowing I have something she doesn't anymore. Knowing that my time is coming soon. Knowing that there is never enough time with anyone. Whether it's one day or one hundred years.
Today was time to cry, tomorrow is time to heal and move forward. Falling completely apart is not an option. I won't let it be.