Thursday, March 27, 2008

CONGRADULATIONS! YOU’RE PREGNANT!!! .......... AGAIN.

I checked the first pregnancy home test and saw a faint line. My breath caught in my throat. This cannot possibly be true. I prayed for it to be true, even moments leading up to looking at the results. Yet, it remains unbelievable. I call my husband I’m in tears with happiness and disbelief. He’s happy also, he is the one who told me to test. I called my mother and a few others. The next morning I test again, because surely it was a dream. It’s still positive. I take two more tests, and then the walk-in clinic all in the next couple of days. They are all positive. It’s official. I’m pregnant....again.
I’m saddened by this, as well as excited. This will be our third, and our last. I want to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy. So why can’t I? The constant morning sickness is why. Twenty four hours a day and seven days a week. The worst part probably is it’s coming out both ends. Sorry for the very much, too much information, I just want everyone to understand how rough this is.
The one thing I’ve found out, is that the first or the third (in my case), pregnancies are so incredibly unique. My first seemed like a walk in the park, except for the massive weight gain. My second was full of trials, normal gain that time. With the first I had stereotypical morning sickness; only in the morning. With my second it was in the evening, after supper. With this one, I’m having all the pleasures of the pains and so far scares (minus the bleeding) of the second, and the newness of all day and all night morning sickness. Today was my first doctor’s appointment. I have a prescription for the nausea, and peppermint tea to calm the other. I’m also arming myself with lots of water to combat the low blood pressure. Tomorrow I plan to fill the prescription so the day that was today doesn’t repeat itself.
So here starts the journey, the journey of the last pregnancy, the last child. My fears are still the same as with my second. Maybe it comes from too much knowledge and not enough faith. Maybe just the former, either way I’m a worry wart. I’m a natural worrier, trying her best, to make this pregnancy count. To savour every moment of this special time I will never get back. Just please God, ease the sickness so I can truly enjoy it.

Monday, March 17, 2008

BREAKING OUT

So, this is it. I received my acceptance into a program a week ago, and my fear has once again overridden anything I want to do. Again I have placed it into the dream pile. I have no confidence. I don’t believe that my very short story could have been that good. I am afraid that they just said it was good to get me to enroll to make money; $700 worth. I talked to M. He’s not discouraging me. He does want me to do what makes me happy. Yet, where would we get this money from? Also, if I don’t even have the confidence that they are accepting me for my work, to improve upon it, then what makes me think that I won’t quit half way through? M thinks I should start right at this moment, at this page, at this blog. Who would actually read this though? What makes me any different than any of the hundred other people out there blogging their lives away? I have been writing in a journal all my life. I have stopped and started, throwing out my beginning ones after a relative laughed at me. I remember them asking why I wrote in a diary. Did I think that one day someone would want to read about me? They actually laughed and said that no one cared to read about me. It hurt. Bad. I really wanted this person to like me. Today, I realize that this is not a person I care to be like at all. It doesn’t change how that one moment ripped another piece of confidence and self-worth away from me.

I cannot live like this though. Not anymore. I have let so much keep me back. I used to write poems, and songs. I even started a novel that I just threw away because I was angry with myself. I didn’t think that I was good enough to write anything anyone wanted to read. That is what makes this so hard, yet, exciting and heart pumping at the same time. So, that’s what I’m doing. I’m taking a step forward. I’m starting small like my wonderful husband suggested. I’m just going to blog. I’m not giving up on my writing. I’m moving forward with it. I will still have a chance to go through the course if I so choose to in the future. Just right now I don’t have the confidence I need for that to make it the success I so desire it to be. So onward I go. I’m breaking out.
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