Monday, March 17, 2008

BREAKING OUT

So, this is it. I received my acceptance into a program a week ago, and my fear has once again overridden anything I want to do. Again I have placed it into the dream pile. I have no confidence. I don’t believe that my very short story could have been that good. I am afraid that they just said it was good to get me to enroll to make money; $700 worth. I talked to M. He’s not discouraging me. He does want me to do what makes me happy. Yet, where would we get this money from? Also, if I don’t even have the confidence that they are accepting me for my work, to improve upon it, then what makes me think that I won’t quit half way through? M thinks I should start right at this moment, at this page, at this blog. Who would actually read this though? What makes me any different than any of the hundred other people out there blogging their lives away? I have been writing in a journal all my life. I have stopped and started, throwing out my beginning ones after a relative laughed at me. I remember them asking why I wrote in a diary. Did I think that one day someone would want to read about me? They actually laughed and said that no one cared to read about me. It hurt. Bad. I really wanted this person to like me. Today, I realize that this is not a person I care to be like at all. It doesn’t change how that one moment ripped another piece of confidence and self-worth away from me.

I cannot live like this though. Not anymore. I have let so much keep me back. I used to write poems, and songs. I even started a novel that I just threw away because I was angry with myself. I didn’t think that I was good enough to write anything anyone wanted to read. That is what makes this so hard, yet, exciting and heart pumping at the same time. So, that’s what I’m doing. I’m taking a step forward. I’m starting small like my wonderful husband suggested. I’m just going to blog. I’m not giving up on my writing. I’m moving forward with it. I will still have a chance to go through the course if I so choose to in the future. Just right now I don’t have the confidence I need for that to make it the success I so desire it to be. So onward I go. I’m breaking out.

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