Thursday, November 5, 2015

Two Years Ago Today.....

Two years ago today I died.

My facade faded and the cracks became exposed. I became an aged china doll. People saw it, but they didn’t say anything because I still lived in denial. I was fine, life moved on and so would I. Besides, I never got to hold him or see him. There was no reason why I couldn’t just go on with life.

I’ve gotten pretty good at lying to myself. So good, I didn’t even see the cracks until I was dying.

This is not a story, or it is. It’s my story. I died that day two years ago, but I was also reborn. Come to think of it, this has happened more times than I would care to admit.

People say suicide is selfish. I say yes, and no. When you are in the midst of all that pain and there is no light in that dark abyss. When all life turns grey and the brambles threaten to strangle you where you stand. Sweet juices of the joyful berries, pooling like blood at your feet. When the pain you cause those you love around is so glaring, you feel like a deer caught in headlights. Then, the answer is always no. All you are thinking is ending the pain for them and yourself. You can’t hurt them anymore if you are gone. You can't see the mess you will leave behind for them to clean up. The emptiness that will cause them more pain than you are feeling like you're inflicting now.

The other side is yes. When life is more glorious than you’ve ever remembered. Vibrant greens, purples, yellows, reds and blues dance around and beckon you to drink in their delight. When the laughter at Christmas dinner, the tickle underneath your child’s chin, the perfume of your Grandmother are memories that bring you true feelings of happiness. You know for sure what happiness is. Then the answer is yes. Yes, suicide is selfish.

Odd how the mind works in different phases of love and grief. In the past I wouldn’t have even thought of my daughter’s birthday the next day. Couldn’t do it then. My son’s birthday in a month. Couldn’t do it then. And it kept going on. That’s what I had to hold on to. The building list of who my lost life would affect.

Two years ago I died. I almost overdosed on all my meds, instead I focused on the yes side of things. I used just as unhealthy methods to get to sleep immediately so I could wake up in the morning. I couldn’t talk to my husband as he had never seen me like this. Or I thought I couldn’t. It’s amazing what we’ll convince ourselves of when we’ve given up all hope.

Two years ago today I died. Not all of me, I couldn’t allow that, for my husband, children and parents. But a piece did. The piece that held on to my child that was too pure for this earth. And two years ago tomorrow, I was reborn. Into someone who started learning to place her trust in those closer to her. Who began to open up to some of the right people. I learned it was important to find more positives in my day. To laugh a little more. To complain a little less. To surround myself with more positive people who want to see me succeed, and not merely survive. That I don't need to die, to change my situation. That the light is there, it's just that sometimes we need help seeing it. And those that love us, will always, always be there to help us find it. <3

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Back In The Habit


Sometimes you just have to turn it off, take a step down, a step back and say no. No to everyone and everything. Especially if you are a "yes man". I'm definitely a "yes man". I put a lot of stock in how other people see me, and very little stock in how I see myself. Unfortunately, not a healthy thing to do in the long run. You end up burnt out and undone. And that's where I was 3.5 months ago. So I shut it off. I really had no choice as my body was shutting down on me. I wish I never let it get so far, but with the miscarriage, job loss, etc. I didn't see the signs I was drowning before it was too late.

So, private went the blog. With it up I only felt guilt that I wasn't writing the posts to the quality I liked. I was pulled off work and slept a lot. Stopped doing anything. As I began to join the land of the living and began to take steps to heal health wise, things began to change.

It has been a time of reflection. How much of a "yes man" do I want to be? How much can I be? How did I start putting everyone before me to the point I could get this sick? Where is the balance in any part of my life? Am I at all happy with anything?

I'm not happy. I'm not where I want to be. And I cannot possibly be Superwoman. I want to do everything. Be the wife, the mother, the friend, the volunteer, the business woman, the full time bread maker (not necessarily winner, as I'll never make as much as the husband), among more roles. I feel to be valuable I NEED to be able to do it all and do it BETTER than the other women out there. This thinking is completely and utterly foolish and unsustainable.

My anxiety isn't completely in check yet, that's going to take a while. But the depression is clearing. This is the worst it's been in over a decade and I don't remember how I managed the first time around with less trust in my supports. So here I am. Back.

I am hoping to get back to the writing I started in the beginning. Which means I will actually have to take time, sit down and plan out my posts. (This one is sort of on the fly, even though I've been thinking about it for a week.) The goal is at least one a week. *fingers crossed*

Now let's get to this awesome summer!!! I think I'll start it off with a little 'old school' beat.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Happiness Is...

1. Watching musicals, dance movies, teen movies, old 80's movies. Some of my faves?

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, The Sound of Music, Saved, Bring It On!, Some Kind of Wonderful, 16 Candles, The Breakfast Club, Spaceballs, Romancing the Stone, Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, The Goonies, The Dark Crystal. The list is truly extensive.

2. Running outside. The fresh air, the trees, waving at other runners, joggers, walkers outside. Feeling connected to something other than the chaos in my head.

3. Listening to my children laugh.

4. Alone time with my husband. This is so incredibly rare. I actually cannot remember the last time we spent time alone. Currently I'm dreaming of a three day/two night stay away from the children. But, no babysitter to take on 3 children makes it a no go. We need the recharge as a couple desperately. One day. (Trust me, "one day" is the only thing that keeps us sane some days lol)

5. Going for walks with the family. I really love visiting Kildonan Park in the summer and taking the kids to the Witches Hut. That place still gives me the creeps, even if they did change a lot of the inside from what it was like when I was a kid. Not as dark and foreboding.

6. Dancing at the club. The music pulsating and no one else around me is there. Everything liquifies. It's just me and the music. The only time besides working out where I feel connected to my body and not a bystander in a shell. Ah heck, I'll dance anywhere. Music is magical indeed.

7. Reading. I just read 3 books of 3 in a series in about four or five days. I just went for an eye exam for new glasses as I gave myself a severe headache doing that. I can't wait to start reading that much again. The kids are old enough I'm able to get back into reading for pleasure more. (On Goodreads I just challenge myself to read 25 books in 2015. I'm already 3 or 4 in.)

8.Writing. I'm starting something new and trying to make sure I get writing in at least once a week right now. I have a goal for some sort of rough draft by the end of 2015.

9. Cheerleading. Being a cheerleader for my husband, kids, family and friends in their endeavours. I really enjoy watching them grow in their prospects. Seeing them succeed brings me much joy.

10. Summer. I thrive in sun and warm weather.

What makes you happy?

**Images found on google

Saturday, January 24, 2015

If Only For A Season (pt. 2)

(If Only For A Season pt.1)

Some people need to have that person in their life they feel they have to save. Save from a situation, from themselves, from life. They see what they feel is an injustice and set out to make everything right. They need to be that compass pointing True North. It gives them purpose. It distracts them from their own inner chaos. The intention is noble, but they forget that people don’t generally need saving, they just need someone there to say, “this is shit, but I’m here. Let’s put our shit kickers on and I’ll be your back up if you need. Just ask.” These are the people who hold grandiose ideas of sticking around through thick and thin. They will be there no matter what. They can do it because they are strong enough. They can change you so you can do anything. And there it is. Before the friendship is even bonded, they have decided to save you they must change you. It’s not out of ill intent. It never is. They really don’t understand what they are expecting of the other person. They just know that they will be the one to help you turn that corner. Whatever that corner may be. They really don’t understand what they are truly expecting of themselves. Unlike the movies, being somebody’s rock is truly exhausting. Ask anyone who has raised children. (They suck the life force from you. That is why staying up until 9pm feels like you are staying up past your bedtime.) And for a while they can switch roles. And then it happens, they have gotten you through that tough part, and you through theirs. The part that you and they “needed” saving from. This is the deciding moment. That moment when the friend jumps from the negative radiating pond because the true you has almost sucked all the strength from the rock, or they stay for the long haul.

My friend did jump ship. It wasn’t a bad thing, nor was it a good thing. It was just the natural ending of that friendship. A phone call or a visit every once in a while to catch up, and we became acquaintances. There was nothing wrong with it. All was right with the universe. It was as it should be. Then something happened and the season become a forced extension of what it should have been.

There are the people who start to fade in and out of your life. When they are in your life it’s great. They tend to show up in the calm moments, for the celebrations. You get caught up in their positive energies, bobbing along the pond, unaware of anything in your path. They are more than happy to help with the little bumps; the ones that cause the ripples in the water, never the waves. But you don’t mind at first because you are invincible in this sunlight. You are willing to be there whenever they need you. But for some reason they only include you in bits and pieces of their lives and you don’t understand why, but decide to take it with a grain of salt. Chalk it up to a busy life. You have grandiose plans of sharing huge life events together. After all, you already have been in a few. But you don’t see what is really there. What this extension of a season is doing not only to you, but also to the other person.

Paranoia and over analyzing the friendship happens. You feel a pulling away from the friend, yet you blind yourself to reality. All relationships can make you blind to what’s going on if you’ve invested all you have into it. We all have done this in one season or another, sometimes more. We desire to be someone’s strength and will even remain rocks to those we don’t really like once we get to know them, because we are certain we can change them, and make them better people. Truth. You cannot change anyone. You can be an inspiration, but their change is because of them. You can’t force change, and neither should you. And this is the impasse. Somebody must face the reality of what is going on and take action.

Before writing this I said I didn’t want my friend to change, but when I’m honest with myself I did. I wanted my friend to accept me from who I was. This friend couldn’t do that.

I felt this coming for a long time, but I was still hurt. Very, very hurt. I kept the most hurtful, scathing words to myself. I said what I needed to say and mourn my loss. Then I tried to see what I could take from the friendship. What did I learn? What was I supposed to learn? I got sad, angry, sad, and angry again. I vented. I worked through it as close to how I thought a normal person would as I could. For 17hrs this did threaten to pull me under. It’s the disorder. The depression was threatening to claim me, and it partially did. But if I let it consume me, I learned nothing.

In past this friend mentioned that he/she posted positive quotes when he/she felt bad because it lightened his/her mood. I’ve been practicing that over the last seven months. It’s not easy. It goes against old habits. Then I came across this quote on Goodreads:

“It makes no sense to try to extend a friendship that was only meant to be a season into a lifetime.”
― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

And the tidal waves in the pond, became regular waves, then ripples, then stilled with my mind. While he/she caused so much hurt by utilizing avoidance for too long, I was just as at fault. By trying to be more like my friend and less like me I tried to “extend a friendship that was only meant to be a season into a lifetime”. This actualization also showed me I did have “lifetime” friends who have weathered many seasons with me, none of them expecting me to change. All of them are willing to walk this life with me. Not walk in front of me, or behind me, but exactly where I needed them. These friends are walking right beside me. These are the friendships I need to foster and grow. This friendship, as painfully as it ended, showed me that I am blessed, and my grass is greenest right where I am.

If Only For A Season (pt. 1)

Friendships. Relationships of any sorts have always been the bane of my existence. My disorder dictated a lot of how I reacted to them, in them, and out of them. How I dealt with them in the beginning, in the middle, and at the end. It still dictates to a degree. I can’t give this disorder away (believe me I would try), I can’t wave a wand or wish it away (believe me I have tried), but I can do my best not to let it sweep me away in its chaotic perceptions. This has been tricky. I could whine about not being able to get the help I need to make it easier (I have an exhaustive whine list), or I could strike out on my own to find ways to make it easier. In my life I’ve learned that sometimes you got to get in and get dirty to get the results you need to move on. My life has been very messy.

I have mentioned before that I felt there was a great change coming. I didn’t know what it was or what it would entail, but I knew this change was going to have to do with a shift in self-perceptions, self-awareness, etc. A recent dream highlighted the feeling that I needed to really work on me. The part that I’ve come to focus on the most, as it seems to be “clicking” with what is going on around me at the moment is this portion of the dream.

I’m in a tattoo parlor and I am getting a tattoo on my “pooch” that said “Learn to Love Yourself” in gorgeous script. I touched around the tattoo and cradled my stretch marked belly like a pregnant woman cradling a child in her womb. And it felt like that, like I was cradling something precious and the image of a child in a womb flowed over me.

So what has this got to do with friendships? A lot. A lot of self help books talk about getting rid of the toxic things in your life from inanimate objects to people. Mostly people. Be around like-minded people, blah, blah, blah. There is credence to this, but they are mostly talking about putting positive in place of the negative. And a lot of people are just negative. However, if you are a negative person trying to change into the positive or less negative, you just threw yourself into the pond with nothing but rocks and mud. No friends to keep you company, as their positive selves want nothing to do with your negative forces. And this is where friends come into play. Friends who are willing to get into that pond in the thick of that negative radiating muddy water with you. Friends won’t try to change you to their positive charged ways, but will gladly sit with you and muck about in the rocky water with you. Yes, some people are just exhausting and you need to leave. Those friends are your “seasonal” friends. Not that they weren’t real. They had a lesson to learn from you, a lesson to teach you, or both. Unfortunately, just like lifetime friends, seasonal friendships can put you through the ringer if you are unable to see they were just meant to be for a season. I know even regular people have a hard time knowing the seasonal friends until some time after it has already ended, possibly even have a hard time when it ends. For me, when I decide I have a friend, not an acquaintance, I have decided they are for life. There is no season. To me it’s a waste of time and doesn’t make sense. Which makes ending that friendship hard. I also second-guess things due to the disorder and past events, that I don’t want to end things just in case I perceived the situation wrong. It doesn’t help when you ask the question straight out and the person on the other end, for whatever their own reasons are, they lie to themselves and you and say they’ll stay long past the time they want and/or should. This recently happened to me. In retrospect it should have ended many years before.

(If Only For A Season pt. 2)

Friday, January 2, 2015

2015 Forward.


That is how I spent most, if not all of 2014. If you look back at most of my posts there was a huge angry undertone. I cringe when I go back and read things. I lost myself in this anger, and brought in the "kitchen sink". Understandably so. At the tail end of 2013 I had a miscarriage. The beginning of 2014 was spending time, stuffing the pain through exercise. I got myself a bigger position at work. I discovered too big, as I hurt myself at work and then my babysitter quit. Then my husband got laid off in June. Our summer was stressful. I have never seen anyone so dedicated to getting back up. I relied on God and kept up the positive words to my husband, "It'll all work out. God will provide." I never let him know how afraid I was that it wasn't true. But I needed to believe that God would pull us through too. I often chastised myself for the doubt. But 20-30 resume's a day and countless interviews. Offers for less than what we'd get on EI for the same position. The future left us, me especially, in a panic. Finances have always been my biggest stressor. Finally, at the beginning of September, just when any funds we had were almost nil, he got a job. Definitely not what he was making, but it's doable as long as I have a job to supplement. During this time I got a part time position. It's 18hrs shorter than what we need to cover all our bills, and it's only a term position. But, I can pick up shifts when needed, so it helps.

Then at the end of September I started getting sick. A bunch of tests were taken mid December, I get in to see the doctor this January. I have chronic back pain (beginning when I hurt myself at work in Feb), chronic headaches, severely stressed out all the time, some days food triggers times where I can't leave the bathroom, so finding work outside the home is hard when you're always sick. I feel useless, depressed, and therefore more angry.

2014 was also filled with other things, things that peaked through the anger. Briefly, but they were there. I have a strong desire for change. For everything. I have had this feeling that a large change is coming since September. I don't know what it is, or how it will happen. What I do know is that it needs to start within me. I have a huge obstacle though, myself and this disorder. Yes, in that order. I AM my biggest roadblock. I was also able to let go of the huge pain from the miscarriage and not feel guilty for not carrying it every single day. On the exact day I miscarried the year prior I was able to accept that just because I don't talk about Emmitt or think of him every second, that I've forgotten him. Letting go and letting God heal me never means forgetting, it just means healing and learning to live again.

So here's to 2015. This is going to be the year I'm going to delve into myself. I'll admit that I'm terrified. There is so much work that will have to be done, and on my own.

What have I started before January 1, 2015?

1) I started doing Definitely fly baby steps here. I need to work around driving husband to and from work, kids to and from school, etc. Results so far = I can sort of see more clean spaces than clutter and chaos (which clearly represents my insides).

2) I wrote a list of things that I feel inside, what I want to change, what I can do to help the change. (I'm slow to change, so this is tuff. the action part).

3) Joined Moon Joggers with the hubby and we made up 'Team PIA'. Feel free to join us. It's about getting moving all year.

4)Being and staying honest with myself and those around me.

5)reading more

6)putting positive quotes up on FB when all I wanna do is crab about everything.

7) learn to like myself. (no clue how to do that or where to start. I've got 30+ years of self hate going on)

8) basic care taking of myself. I take care of everyone else, and rarely, if ever do anything for myself.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Letters To Heaven: 1 year

Dear Emmitt,

It's been one year. My heart doesn't hurt any less my dear boy. Sometimes I fear it hurts more. I know many feel I should be "over this" by now. That it shouldn't hurt this bad because I didn't know you long. That somehow 50hrs of knowledge, the fact that I never held you, means I couldn't possibly love you with the fierce mamma bear passion I have for your brothers and sister. That only leads into the next thing; the guilt.

You were to be approximately 15weeks, 3days that day in the ER. At least 3 missed periods. A nagging feeling in my gut told me to test. I didn't. But you see Daddy had surgery two years prior. My blessing, logically you shouldn't have been. Yet, the feelings continued. I told myself I hit menopause, that I was just being broody. The heartburn and the cravings for chocolate covered raisings, ham subs and an insane amount of green grapes, were just my normal struggle with food. The inability to lose weight, even with the help of a trainer was because I ate too much junk.

Despite my instinct, with each month that passed, I still put off testing. I drank, I ate things with aspartame, and I ate deli meat. I cleaned the cat litter twice a day, and worked out hard. The list of all the things I never did before, I was doing then. It doesn't matter how many people tell me it wasn't my fault, or how many times, I still blame myself. It's why I can't stay mad at God. Why as hard as I want to blame the omnipotent higher being even today, nothing inside me feels even an ounce of that for Him. As for me? Me....

There are a millions reasons/excuses I didn't listen to my instincts. The bottomline is I failed you. Yes, parents fail their children all the time in one way or another. But my failure killed you. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for that.

In the last year I've tried to heal. To deal with your passing. I cried a lot. Focused on your siblings. Threw myself into working out, work and cleaning. I even started writing you a song. Did you know I haven't written in years? I thought my poetry and songs were crap, so I threw them all out over 10yrs ago. Yours was my first attempt since. I haven't been able to finish it though. I will one day. I promise I'll sing so loud you'll hear it in Heaven.

There's a boy here. You would've been three months apart. Just like your sister and one of his sisters. I think you would have been good friends. I got to hold him a little while ago. I'll be honest, my broken heart wished I was holding you.

I went through so much anger after losing you. The thoughts that raced through my mind were so irrational. There's another angel baby in Heaven, I hope you have the chance to know her. Her mom helped me so much. I could tell her each dark thought and she helped me feel normal.

I hope you get to know all the angel babies of the women who walked with me in my grief this year.

Dear angel of mine, many may not think I'm thakful for your siblings still with me, because my mourning for you is so strong. But, I am so thankful because I imagine all their best qualities, the compassion, jokes, smiles, stubbornness, would have been all rolled up into you.

My dearest Emmitt, I know I'll meet you one day. I'll get to hold you and see if you look as I imagine. But some days, Heaven seems so far away, and dealing with your loss literally knocks me to my knees. And I'm simply not ready to deal with all that pain.

Always in my heart,


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